Fear the worst

by Molly Moore
Molly behind bars looking like she is screaming

This weeks topic on Wicked Wednesday is Fear and it is one that I have a huge amount of thoughts on in various different respects and I have been battling with time to try and sit down and write some of it but I have largely failed as it is now Wednesday afternoon and I am only just getting started.

I could easily write a whole post about fear as a kink and difference between bad fear and good fear and how one can be a turn on and other most definitely can not. In fact maybe the good fear is not really true fear for me but more apprehension mixed with a nervous anticipation.

I could have written a whole post about how fear has held me back from doing things. How I am often scared that someone will one day call me out as a fake writer and blogger. Yes the imposter syndrome lurks here. I have a few ideas for anthologies I would love to put together but I continually talk myself out of pitching them to someone because, well, I am scared they will say no but maybe even more scared they might say yes and then I will do a shitty job and be exposed as a fraud. Let’s not even begin to start talking about my issues around writing a longer story. I know I need to just start writing it but unlike a blog posts which literally tend to fall out of me, I can’t even get an opening line down. It’s not just fear but fear mingled with a massive dose of overthinking it.

I could write a whole post about my fears surrounding poly and monogamy and Michael’s jealousy and how I feel like a failure when it comes to helping him with it and how there are things I still want to do but know that to have them will cause him pain.

I could write a whole post about my fears for this world we live in. How Brexit scares the crap out of me. That a hard Brexit could mean Michael won’t get his medicine, that my Mum might not be able to get hers. That my kids will never experience the joys of freedom to movement in Europe and their life chances will be forever diminished by it and then there is climate change. I look outside my window. The sun is shining, I am sitting here in a short sleeve dress and we have turned the heating off. It is February! I fear that we might have left it too late to rescue this planet and that maybe Brexit and Trump are mere niggles compared to what is potentially round the corner.

But all these fears pale into insignificance against my one biggest horrific heart pounding fear and that is something happening to the people in my life; Michael particularly but my kids too. Unlike all the fears above which I could, and probably will at some point, write a whole post about this is one that I can’t touch at all because it is so frightening and that articulating it makes it bigger and worse and there is no fixing it. I can’t write this away, I can work through it and confront my fears and overcome them. There is no taking a leap of faith, submitting my work anyway, trying a new thing, taking a risk etc. The only thing I can do is sit quietly with them and learn to breath through the moments when they bubble up and know that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and so the most important thing we can do is embrace our today and tell the people who make those days better just how amazing they are because the only way to vanquish that fear is to live and love and cherish as much of this life as possible.

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missy February 27, 2019 - 6:12 pm

I can really relate to this. I suppose when I thought about the prompt I didn’t think about those sorts of fears – losing children or a soul mate. I suppose those fears don’t haunt me on a daily basis, and are so devastating they are unthinkable, so I can’t give hem space. I can undersatnd you not being able to write about them. missy xx

Molly Moore February 27, 2019 - 11:38 pm

I have found that not giving them space makes them haunt me even more. It is something that Michael has encouraged me to share and it has become a joke now because otherwise I find it consumes me


Sweetgirl February 27, 2019 - 6:30 pm

Fabulous post!

kisungura February 27, 2019 - 7:20 pm

Your last part is pretty much what I’ve written about, and it’s truly devastating. Sitting through it and breathing really resonates. Thank you for sharing Molly, hugs xx

Molly Moore February 27, 2019 - 11:36 pm

You are welcome. It is a truly scary thing but one that I think we all share in some way

E.L. Byrne February 27, 2019 - 7:31 pm

I love that so many of us can relate to each other’s fears. We are not alone. Yet I imagine we all feel very alone in these moments. Thank you for sharing your fears and moments!

Molly Moore February 27, 2019 - 11:34 pm

You are right, I think fears can be very isolating


Kat February 27, 2019 - 7:32 pm

Gosh, you touch on other sides of the fear spectrum I think I try to not think about. You are right, it is something very hard to write about and put into words to see. The fear of losing those we love is one we do not want to admit or bring in front of ourselves to face. xx <3 – Kat

Molly Moore February 27, 2019 - 11:33 pm

It is a fear that I have allowed to almost consume me in the past, acknowledging it has actually been very helpful to me

Modesty Ablaze February 27, 2019 - 7:52 pm

” . . . because the only way to vanquish that fear is to live and love and cherish as much of this life as possible” – perfect!!!

I totally agree.

Xxx – K

Chrisy February 27, 2019 - 8:35 pm

I too, started at least four post breaking down all my fears and couldn’t articulate any of them. When I decided to write Bout my worst fear, losing my daughter, it was just too much. I came so close to losing her over the last four years and probably more often than I knew about that the thought of really articulating my fear over it was too much. That on top of all the fears was too much also. It is interesting how fears are so similar and yet so individual. Reading through most of these I seemed to nodding my head and saying me too. We are strong and brave to even scratch the surface of putting them out of ourselves. We should all celebrate that. Thank you for articulating yours. Hugs❤️🖤

Molly Moore February 27, 2019 - 11:32 pm

Hugs to you, that sounds truly harrowing and I hope that is OK now


Bee February 28, 2019 - 9:54 am

Fantastic post and I agree entirely with you on all those fears. But there is one thing I fear more than losing my partner and that is dementia. That means losing the person he is now but it also means I am also lost to him. I, the person who has loved and cared for him for years, could be the one who becomes a stranger to him and worse still he could fear me because of that.

That is what scares me more than anything.

May More February 28, 2019 - 12:34 pm

Wow – very powerful post – I wrote a comment on Marie’s post about how I was in an accident over a decade ago and one of my daughters nearly died. I was injured too and had this fear for ages that I had cheated death, that my daughter had cheated it too and it would come back for us soon. It chewed away at me. Time passed and nothing happened so I began to realise life is precious and time waits for no man – thanks for facing the fears and writing this x

Marie Rebelle February 28, 2019 - 5:52 pm

Powerful words here; recognizable fears. Some of the same fears I have choke me up and I have to literally push the thoughts away and force myself to think of other things. The thought of something happening to my husband, of me having to live on without him… no! Just no!

Rebel xox

Brigit Delaney March 1, 2019 - 2:10 pm

Paragraph three…you have encapsulated all of my fears as a writer.


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