Someday I will…
Those words are ones I have often struggled with.
Sometimes I experience quite a bit of regret and even anger at some of the decisions and choices I made when I was young. I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking particularly when it comes to my first marriage. I just coasted along and in hindsight I ignored the fact that he was a dick who never ever told me that he loved me because I thought that was how it was meant to be. I really didn’t know any better. Time changed that obviously and eventually I got brave enough to leave and in many ways I am glad for that journey that bought me here to this moment and this life with Michael but there are also times when I am cross and angry at the things I gave up, at the loss of so many years, at the waste of my life and things I missed out on and so, Someday I will, can lead me to a that place and those thoughts which are not happy productive ones, but are filled with regret and often make me sad.
However having dreams is a good thing.
Michael has worked hard in trying to change my mind-set when it comes to this topic; moving me forward from those recriminations to a more positive outlook. He has encouraged me to not only think about what they might be, but also to believe that they might be possible. Some of those things are dreams that are only likely to happen if a pile of money falls from the sky, but that some of them are completely doable. Rather than dreams as such they are long terms aspirations and goals to keep in mind and find ways to work towards if possible.
It is never too late
I am not a fan of aging but one of the things I really struggle with is how time seems to keep speeding up. It feels like only yesterday I was starting over again at the age of 37 but the truth is that was 9 years ago and I can’t quite believe it. I have done so much in that time and yet there is SO very much I still want to do and as the years tick by I worry that I will run out of them and won’t have done even half of it.
Money buys time
Money can’t buy you love, or friends or happiness but it can buy you time and make life less stressful. With money you have more choices, you can go more places, see more things, spend your time working on the things that you love and which bring you joy rather than spending most of your time earning money to pay the bills. It is a life that very few of us get to lead though. It is the life of the 1% having said that I do know I am very lucky as I have managed to turn what started as a hobby into something that helps support our family. I never thought that would be the case 9+ years ago.
Growing old together
The other day we were fucking and after he came he slumped down on the bed next to me and said “I am so happy that I have you to grow old and be perverted with” Those words quite literally made me beam and almost made me cry because I feel exactly the same as him. I hate growing old but I am glad that I am doing it with him and in some ways I like the idea of us being ancient and yet still being perverts. We can sit and watch the pretty girls go by and talk about the ones we would like to undress and then we can go home and do dirty things to each other before getting an early night.
So what about, Someday I will…
live near the sea
kiss more sexy humans
be able to say I wrote a book
buy a place in Greece
get Michael the American fridge with ice maker that he yearns for
live somewhere that has an open fire.
go back to Vegas
fuck in a churchyard
I could go on and on but this is just a little glimpse of some of the things that someday I hope to get to do but really the most important thing is that I focus on the joy of life now because the past and the future can take away from today and to be honest today whilst not perfect is most definitely good.
12 comments
I really hope you find a way not to be angry at the years you endured with your first husband. We do things the way we believe to be right, when we learn otherwise we can make more positive and healthy decisions in future. Like you have with Michael, and like I will at some point.
Perhaps I can help with a couple of your “someday I will” goals?
I saw one of those freezers come up on my Facebook marketplace last week. A real bargain due to downsizing…
And, I’ll be at Eroticon and aways happy to kiss more sexy people. ??
Thank you, sadly we don’t have the space for one of those fridges, that is the big problem…. but kissing, I think I have space for that 😉
Mollyx
Molly what a beautiful post. Our past does shape us and brings us forever to this very moment ? it’s such headfuck isn’t it. Without it, would we be here?
I love your someday list.
I feel the passing of time keenly too because my mum died young, younger all the time! I want to do all the things!
My son is going away to Uni on Thursday. I can’t understand where the last 19 years have gone to be honest. They seem like both yesterday and a lifetime ago
Mollyx
Strong post, I feel much the same way. I think it is a part of the human condition unless you’re part of that 1% and the 1% of the 1% that accomplishes something instead of Kardashian-ing it. Also, I didn’t know American fridges were any different!
American fridges are much bigger than the standard ones we get here and what you would call a fridge we call an American fridge
Mollyx
Oh Molly sometimes it feels like you have pulled the thoughts right out of my head. I can related to so much of what you have written here about the time wasted and the aging. I also try to look forward and focus on what I have and not what I could have had if I had come to my senses sooner (or suddenly become rich!) I would rather a place in Italy than in Greece but apart from that I think you have it. Here’s hoping that your somedays come true ❤️
Time indeed seems to go far too quickly the older we get! There are so many things I still want to do, and oh, if only I could get a bunch of money from somewhere to buy me more time for myself. Maybe one day… maybe! I keep on dreaming 🙂
Rebel xox
Beautiful post – the first paragraph really resonated with me – so many bad decisions are littered in my past – I look forward to you completing your “someday” list and writing about each and every one – because a woman like you can!
I can relate to the “arsehole ex” part of this! I love that you have found the right person to get old and perverted with – that’s a solid win!
You have achieved so much already, don’t forget to take the time to remind yourself how well you’ve done (although I’m sure that Michael makes sure you do!)
I’m up for kisses……I think you’re lush 😉
Wonderful post . . . and LOVE Michael’s line !!!
And I think you are so right, we should all focus on the joy of things we have and can do now . . . whenever the chances arise !!!
Xxx – K
Great post! I like your list of what you will, someday…I have a few of those on my list too 🙂