If it was easy, anyone could do it.

I aspire to be the best, to be more than I am, to be what you need in all the ways that I can.

I wrote that little line the other day when I saw Rebel’s prompt for this week. It immediately jumped into my brain and I sat down and bashed it out. It has been sitting lonely at the top of the page ever since while I pondered it some more.

The thing it is absolutely true. I do aspire to be those things for him.

I don’t believe there is any such thing as ‘twue’ submissive but even if there was I am certainly not it. I am feisty, difficult, temperamental and often quite demanding of his time and attention. When we first met one of things he expressed to me was that he wanted to be the centre of someone’s attention and I countered with; well that work well because so do I. Little did he know what he was letting himself in for.

I am submissive. It makes me happy and it is definitely a huge turn for me but I do not take to it easily. My instinct is to fight and challenge but oddly if I did that and got my way I would be hugely disappointed and very quickly bored and frustrated. I need the resistance to push up against and I need a man who is going to push past that resistance and take me the place I really need to be. I am never going to be the demure, quiet submissive, patiently waiting to do her dominant’s bidding. I would be bored so quickly and that would morph into resentment very quickly. But sometimes I wonder if me being difficult and challenging gets wearing.

This morning whilst lying in bed he told me to put my phone away and come and have a cuddle. I did. I like cuddling, especially with him and especially in the smell and warmth of our morning bed. We cuddled and talked and then he reached round with his other arm, held me tightly to his chest and spanked my bum. Hard fast stinging slaps. I didn’t ask why, I know that answer to that question “Because I can, because I want to, because you need it” I don’t always put up a fight, sometimes I will just let it all go and jump straight to that place of acceptance but this morning I didn’t. I thrashed, and wiggled, and shrieked, and grumbled and whinged but he ignored it all, and even laughed when I tried ‘thank you Sir’ and carried on. Finishing off with a resounding whack that stung just as much as the noise suggested it did. I wriggled out of his arms and flounced off to the bathroom, a pout on my face, muttering about how mean that was. Was I gracious, grateful or in any accepting of my fate. Nope, I was like an angry little bird with her feathers all ruffed up. However despite all that I am glad he did it. Despite today being fairly stressful and full on, not managing to get to the gym and not dying my hair, as I intended I have actually been calm, centred and happy. I know what he is going to say when he reads this, clearly more morning spankings are required and even though he might have a point there is no way I am going to accept it; Just because I am me, difficult and challenging.

It seems that me being that way does not faze him. He has always said he does not want a doormat but a challenge but there are times I wonder if my particular challenging behaviour makes him wonder if sometimes, somewhere deep inside, he tires of it.

So yes…

I aspire to be the best, to be more than I am, to be what you need in all the ways that I can.

I know I get it wrong, I know I am difficult and feisty and sometimes I am a right royal pain in the arse, which usually earns me a pain in the arse in return but as he is often want to say, if it was easy, anyone could do it.

Ps… My darling husband has written a post in response to this one if you are interested you can read it on This D/s Life: She Drives me Crazy