The Darkness Within

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A couple of weeks ago Remittance Girl wrote this piece; Bad Men and Why Perfectly Intelligent, Independent, Sane Women Fantasize About Them. It is a piece about female ‘fantasy demons of our erotic imaginations’. Fantasies that you know will make you cum if you think about them, the little nuanced scenes that we play out inside our heads which are guaranteed to heat us up. And how so very often those fantasies are incredibly dark, so much so, that we often hide them within our heads for fear of being judged as perverse and deviant or ‘fucked up’. That make us seem as if we might even be a danger to ourselves. Woman having erotic fantasies is still, for many, fairly taboo but when those erotic fantasies challenge ‘societal norms’ of what is seen as acceptable female sexuality they become even more challenging to a society that still wants us all to be Mothers, Wives, care givers, virgins who morph into faithful vessels of their husband’s sexuality. That might sound ‘old fashioned’, maybe you believe that is still not the case. For increasing numbers it is not, but sadly for many women it most certainly is.

At the end of her post Remittance Girl says

“So… this post is a safe place for you, as a woman, to introduce me to your nastiest erotic demon. Whether in your fantasies, you make the imaginary Other the demon, or whether you play the demon yourself. You don’t have to use your real name or your real email address. Make it up. I’ll never judge you for what you create. Meanwhile, I’d be interested to know what purpose you feel your erotic demons serve for you.”

And this is the reason for writing this piece because I find myself utterly unable to do this, despite that fact that @domsigns has repeatedly asked me to write something. I have procrastinated, dodged and generally attempted to circumnavigate the request. I am not usually one to shy away from challenging tricky subjects, I think my blog is testament to that and over the years I have certainly written and published here, my fair share of dark fantasies. Without even having to think very hard Twisted Words, Once a Week and Hunted all spring to mind as examples and yet in the scheme of things they all feel quite safe, maybe even tame, compared to some of the horror that crowds into my brain sometimes. The other thing about those fantasies is they are quite crafted and complete, making them easier to share and to weave into a story. All of them are scenes that I have at some point or other indulged in as fantasies to get off on but they are fantasies that have, over time, taken on a beginning, middle and an end. The ones I have trouble with sharing seem to be the ones that have not gotten that far. They are often very specific little snippets of a moment that play over and over in my head almost like a .gif image that only stops when they finally make me cum. The detail of those little snapshots are very precise but oddly difficult to put into words when not framed within a wider story or scenario to give them context.

I find myself reluctant to put them into a bigger story or scene for fear that they may somehow lose their potency. Could sharing them, these minute little details that make me cum, really stop them from working anymore? I can’t believe it would, after all the fantasies that have evolved into more detailed scenes such as the examples linked above didn’t, so why do the little snippets feel too ‘private’? Maybe it is because they have not formed into something bigger for me, that I don’t really understand them, and so I struggle with sharing but then that does not explain the ones that have come about as a result of something that I have done/experienced. However it is not the wider scene that bothers me but the minute details that have stuck in my brain which oddly feels very exposing to me as if by sharing what they are I risk revealing something that somehow makes me vulnerable.

Just to be clear, these fantasies are not required for me to be able to get off, I would hate for anyone to think that I always use them when we are having sex because that is most definitely not the case, clearly having a fantasy about being hunted in the woods would hugely interfere with the fact that he has me pinned to the bed while he whips me raw before fucking me from behind. I am most definitely in that moment and have no need for my fantasy mind to fill in any blanks.

For the most part none of these dark little snippets of depravity are going to come as a surprise to @domsigns I have never shied away from sharing my lust demons with him but that doesn’t mean that sometimes sharing them or even just the thought of doing so doesn’t make me squirm. However, as I previously said, I am not one to refuse to take on tricky subjects so despite my difficulty with this I will attempt to write something here that does not sound like the ramblings of a cock obsessed mad woman.

There are always men and I mean always, if women ever feature it is only in the sense that I am ‘watching’ and possibly aiding in their defilement. There is nearly always talking, often about me, as I am discussed but sometimes at me, as my fate is described…

“I wonder how tight she is”

“Who is going to go first?”

“Let me hold her down for you”

“Can you feel his cock pushing into you?”

“He is going to fuck you now while I watch”

Not an exclusive sample by any stretch of the imagination but I think that gives you an idea.

I am often bound, legs tied open, or tied to some sort of furniture and often beaten, my flesh red and sore from whatever has already taken place.

Quite often there is chasing, a pursuit that always ends in a fight as I am captured and finally overpowered and used.

There is nearly always watching, men kneeling over me, hands reaching, touching, firm but not aggressive.

There is also ‘the inspection’, it is clinical in its style, fingers parting, probing, comments made as thorough examinations are performed on me to see if I am ready, ripe, usable, worthy. (It is this one that makes me view the medical gyno style chairs that we have encountered at some Fet clubs with almost horror. Seeing your fantasy, even if it is just a piece of furniture, in real life, can be quite a challenge when your fantasy makes you feel vulnerable)

Oh and one final one that appears often is reluctant anal sex (the reluctance being on my part obviously) which also often includes double penetration.

“If you hold her down on your cock like that then I can get into her arse as well”

I could go but from here they really only become variations on a theme of something I have covered above. I think it is safe to say that they are all about men violating me, they are all very cock centred although fingers feature a great deal too. I am always the ‘victim’, the meat, the whore, the slut, the hole and yet I am desired for being those things. I am wanted, my flesh drives them to posses me, to own, mark, defile and ‘have’ me.

“If you touch her like this she will cum for you”

If you use me properly I will be forever yours. And he knows that.