A 30 Days of Kink post…
What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
I am independent, feisty, strong-willed and used to running my home and family alone. I lived on my own with my kids for a long while. I was the one in charge, the one making the decisions and the one doing the organising. It didn’t necessarily make me happy to be that way but it was how things needed to be at the time. When Sir moved here and we got married suddenly I didn’t need to be like that anymore but it was what I was used to.
In general letting go of the reins so to speak has been a blissful and liberating experience. I have a partner who shares in my life with me. He wants to help, guide, support and nurture me but he is also in charge. Again, bliss for me, because without that I was constantly restless, I over compensated for the lack of control in my life by making sure all my life was ‘under control’ and when it wasn’t…. well that because I was choosing to be wild and often in ways that led me, yet again, to situations that didn’t make me happy or satisfied. I was constantly searching but at the time had no frigging idea what for.
Being sexually submissive is the easy part. I want to be used and abused. I want to be fucked. I want to be held down but even here I am, in general, not the quiet compliant type of sub. I am the feisty challenging type. Yes there are times when I will happily sink to my knees and take his cock in my mouth when told to do so but more often than not I will poke my chin out and flash him a look of utter defiance. To submit I need his strength. I need to know it is not an option. I need to know I cannot wriggle my way out of it. I need him to take, own and use the power but I also need him not to crush me in that process. He needs to know the difference between making me do it and destroying me in the process and luckily he is damn good at that.
The biggest challenge for me has been letting go of all the other stuff. Learning to feel safe and secure when I am not the one making all the day-to-day decisions has at times been tricky. I have lived in this house a very long time and got used to having things the way I like them. I have been the one managing schedules and times and all of sudden I don’t need to be doing that anymore, now we are doing that together. It is a shared life in so many ways but always with the underlying knowledge that at the end of the day he has the control. We talk about the things we want to do and he ALWAYS wants my input and more importantly he hears me but ultimately things are his decision. This has been a massive adjustment on my part and at times one I have struggled with but I am glad of it. I love knowing I am not the sole captain of this ship any more but letting the rudder go altogether is something I still struggle with at times.
Mollyxxx
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10 comments
This line resonated with me the most: “I need to know I cannot wriggle my way out of it.”! Because I’ve always been able to, no matter the circumstances. And now I can’t!
And you know what, I don’t want to wriggle out of it, wriggling out of just makes me think the man is weak… luckily I never get to wriggle out of it now, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still test that to make sure.
Mollyxxx
Yes…I totally agree. Making important decisions all day…it’s nice to come home and KNOW and FEEL that someone else is in charge…completely.
Old habits die hard. For many years I reacted to things based on my first marriage to Bis, and Taz had to gently explain he wasn’t like that. Over and over. I am also very rigid in how I like things and he has taught me the art of compromise and seeing the bigger picture. It’s wonderful when two people can work together like that 🙂
~Kazi xxx
I hate being in control and I like it. I think that is why I too will poke at Stan, for a reation. I know and he knows, what he says at the end of the day matters, but maybe I like having fun with it or se how much he will take from me. It is nice to see I am not alone, you do it to see how strong he is and I get that and do it!
oh how I long for what you have, a strong Dom who can treat that line so delicately. While it must be incredibly hard to learn to let go, it must also be so relieving to finally realise what you have longed for.
I very much recognize the part of it not being easy to let go of the control you were used to having for so long. I too have been alone with my kids for a very long time, and just love it that I am not the one making the decisions anymore, but that Master T. is doing that. It’s liberating, but I too have many moments where I find it difficult to remember that I don’t have to be in control or have all situations under control anymore. So much of this post of yours rings true for me too!
Rebel xox
Molly,
The whole time I read your words, I had the feeling of.. identifying. I felt a warmth reading them. I am going through a situation very much like this. Albeit in its infancy, but your words resonate deeply.
It’s wonderful to read about a strong woman inherently submissive.
Pea ~x~
I am the woman in the first four sentences. There is no other option when my husband is gone for so long and is rarely home to help. I would like it if I could at least be the latter woman sexually. He is learning, and it’s wonderful to read the many reasons that I myself may not know how to articulate, to inform him of why I need this.
I am glad my words helped you. I have often found it to be very hard to explain WHY I need something but it gets easier with time.
Mollyxxx