His cock is filling my mouth, pressing into the back of my throat. His fingers are twisted in my hair holding me in place, not pushing me down but not letting me back up either. I can hear her moan. I so want to see what is going on. I try to tilt my head, brushing my hair back from my face just to try to get a peek but the hand on the back of my head applies just enough pressure to make it impossible.
“Stop trying to watch the porn and concentrate on my cock in your mouth”
We like this game, he likes this game, although not because he is a huge fan of watching porn, in fact he often says I am his porn. I know it is not the porn he is watching that is getting him off but the fact that I am sucking him off and that he is denying me from seeing the porn.
I first watched porn when I was at college. I lived in a shared house with all boys, I was the only girl, and it would not be uncommon for me to come home and find them all huddled in the front room smoking cigarettes and watching porn. It was this weirdly all male ritual that I never quite understood. The room would be fairly silent although every now and then the odd one would mutter something about the girl’s tits, or the state of her pubes, or to declare that they had ‘seen this one before’. I would stand in the doorway and watch them but soon became distracted by the porn. I can remember perching on the end of the sofa utterly mesmerised by what I saw. Oddly they would all watch and then once it was done disappear off to their rooms; one assumes for a wank, and then reappear at some point later when not a word about it all was uttered. The other odd thing about it was they seemed so fixated on their viewing that they were oblivious to me being there.
I soon discovered that most of what they watched just didn’t do it for me but every now and then a scene or a whole film would be my thing and I would watch it. Once I got married (to one of those men in that room, no idea what I was thinking) over the years it became something we would do in this odd parallel way. He would watch porn, we had a small selection of VHS tapes, and I would either watch too or more often than not sit and read the ‘Reader’s Wives’ tales compilations that I had. He would always buy them for me as he knew I liked them. So we were both accessing porn at the same time but not really sharing in that experience. He never once asked me what was my favourite story and I never asked him what was his favourite film or scene. Total crap communication. We would end up having sex but I know I was firmly in my head during that, fantasizing about something I had just read and I can only assume he was doing the same thing.
Then the internet arrived in our home and suddenly I was able to find my own ‘porn’ whether that was words or images, I was no longer reliant on Black Lace novels and Reader’s Wives tales or the videos he purchased. My horizons were officially broadened and in part that became one of the contributing factors to the end of that marriage.
Since then I have continued to explore porn and some might say even made some of my own. As a general rule most of my images I would call art rather than porn, but I am aware that there would be some puritanical types of would strongly disagree with me on that but then they are the type who would also like to cover up the penis on Michelangelo’s statue of David. However I have certainly published some very graphic images of myself that definitely fall more into the porn category than the art one but of course that all depends who and how you are defining those things.
Sorry that this has been a bit of long old ramble to the here and now but I felt context was important before I said, I love porn. Although a better phrase maybe, I love the porn I love because not all porn is created equal and it is quite tricky to find porn that works for me. Not when it comes to the written word (it helps when you write your own and yes, many of the things I write here end up with me asking for permission to orgasm) or even still images but video/film porn. If and when I choose to watch porn I actually spend most of that time randomly flicking through clips trying to find something that works for me. Quite often I will think I have found something and will just be getting into it when suddenly there will be something like face slapping or spitting which will instantly kill the mood for me and set me off looking for something else.
I tend to consume porn in little snippets which is why Tumblr gifs totally work for me. I know probably not the most ethical way to consume porn but it works perfectly. I can wrap my own thoughts and fantasies around them. Quite often I will look through a whole series of them, my favourite hashtags to search are ‘rape play’, ‘rape fantasy’, ‘forced sex’ and/or anal (although that last one often gets me way too much man on man action which is not my thing.) And once I have had a good scroll through I will discard my phone or computer close my eyes and think about the ones that really worked for me, often fusing them together into a wider fantasy, spread my legs and make myself cum.
However writing this blog, creating my own images, living my own erotic life I guess has meant that porn most definitely seems to play a lesser role in my masturbatory habits. I still definitely dip in and when I do I enjoy it but for the most part living a fuller sexual life and having a partner that I can share that with openly has changed how porn works for me. It is no longer something I do in isolation of my relationship but something that a plays a part in our sex life, even if that is just me telling him, or sharing with him, the things I find that turn me on, it still means that porn is not longer the dirty secret that I indulge in on my own.