I hate asking for sex things. It is, however something I have got better at but I still find it challenging. Somewhere in my head I sound like I am nagging when I ask for things. I am not talking about in the moment requests; those will roll off my tongue happily. When his fingers are pushed inside my cunt I will happily and desperately ask for him to fuck me. When he is flogging me and I can see him growing hard I will lick my lips and communicate my desire to suck him. I have no desire to ‘direct’ our sex though, I want him to do that, I like it that way, but that doesn’t mean I am passive. I will ask in the moment, even plead and beg sometimes but ultimately what happens, if I get fucked, or get to taste him, or whatever it is, will be decided by him.
The bit I find problematic is asking for things, or suggesting things when we are not in the moment.
I think being in a former relationship where I often felt rejected and sometimes my requests were even met with negativity is part of the problem. If you tell someone you love the fact that when you go to the toilet after you have had sex you get turned on by the way you smell and they react with mixture of horror and disgust you quickly learn that being that filthy is not desirable and so you keep it to yourself. Luckily I never got so far as to believe something was wrong with me but I did learn to keep those things a secret. Learned behaviour over many years is hard to break and despite the fact that I know Michael would never react like that it still haunts me which is why I often need him to reassure me that the things I express/desire are OK. I will often say to him things like, “Is it weird that I like the smell of your cock after we have had sex?” He will often reply with something like, ‘Not weird but it is very dirty but then you are a very dirty girl.’ Which he is right about and it makes me grin when he says it because dirty is good if you find the right person who shares your dirt.
I also think my problem with asking for things is linked to my submission and sexual desires. I have a strong need to be taken and used. I like to fight back, I love to be made to do things, I like feeling like I am the physically weaker partner. I think when I ask for things particularly if it is directly, then somewhere in my head it stops feeling like he is in charge, taking, doing, wanting but is just responding to my request. Which I know he is not because he has always said to me you can ask for anything, tell me what you want/desire but that does not mean you will get them. He will decide if I get it and more often than not he will twist my requests just because he can. His biggest kink is without doubt subverting expectations and yet even knowing that I still find that sometimes asking for something somehow takes the edge of it for me. It is silly really because he is not a mind reader, even though sometimes it feels like he is and the responsibility for open communication lies equally between us.
Not expressing my needs and wants and desires is hugely counterproductive and yet sometimes I still find myself holding back. I have got better over the years but the times when I still stumble is for the small things. I can say; “One day I would like to suck you off in a church yard” but saying, “When we go to bed tonight can I give you a blow job”, would be something I would struggle with and probably self censor. I might attempt to make it clear by my actions once we are in bed but saying it out loud like that as a straight forward request is jarring to me and sets off all sorts of doubts in my head like…
‘If he wanted a blow job surely he would just take one, so if I ask and he says yes then he had no particular desire for one and is motivated by my need and not his desire’ Suddenly it does not seem quite so sexy as if he had just grabbed my head and pushed it down into his crotch and demanded I suck him.
I started writing this post with no real end in mind but these are thoughts that have been buzzing around in my brain since reading a post by Rebel called Please you to please me in which she talks about being asked for what she wants and struggling with the answer and the feedback loop of pleasure that is created for her when she feels she is being used. Then the other day I read this post by Collared Mom: Is there an art to begging? It made me realise how asking for things makes me feel vulnerable, what if he said he didn’t want to? That would really be devastating to me. I could totally understand how what happened between CM and her partner made her feel so bad. I have not been in that position but reading that made me realise that my submissive kink combined with my fear of rejection is causing me to censor myself.
Do I have a solution? Well maybe. One thing I used to do a lot and that I am actually doing right now in writing this post is using my blog as a communication tool between us. I think the last year, certainly the last few months of being so wrapped up in Eroticon planning and other work has resulted in me not using this space in that way quite so much. One of the things I intend to do in 2017 is to change that. Sometimes when I sit down to write a blog post I talk myself out of writing about blow jobs, or the belt, of being held down or all of these things together because well, I have written it before and it must be getting boring. I need to stop that because if those are the things I desire, or whatever it is I desire then who cares that I have maybe written about it before. If I want it then it is time to write it again and find freedom in owning me desires.
11 comments
lovely cuffs
A beautiful understanding of where I was coming from the other day. If I ask for it, then he’s just doing it for me, and makes my submissive brain shudder. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. And don’t worry, you can talk about blow jobs and belts anytime! 🙂
I’m going to give a little disclaimer here and say that “my D/s is not everybody’s D/s” and these are just my personal opinions and experiences and your mileage may vary, etc.
Not advice, just sharing:
In my marriage, the roles you and Michael share are reversed. And one of the things I really need from my husband is for him to tell me what he’s thinking about / wanting to try / dreaming of / needing from me. I can “direct” our sex without it, but it’s much more fun to know what his desires are because there are things he’s thought about that I haven’t, and the more information I have to work with, the more options we have.
He’s a little uncertain sometimes about asking, so we’ve tweaked our communication style (and modality) to suit. I will ask him a question – often out of the blue, in a muggle scenario – and see where he goes with it. Your most recent KOTW prompt, for example, led me to ask him, “Do you like high heels?” I didn’t give him any context (I’ve learned he finds that intimidating), just asked the question. He could have said anything, from a simple “yes” or “no” (though he knows I don’t care for gamestoppers like that, it was still a route he could have taken) to an exploration of fashion history or a feminist stance against their existence or a comparative dissertation on the merits of peep-toe slingbacks over thigh-high stiletto boots. But giving the question and only the question, without reason or context, got him to do some free-associative thinking aloud, and THAT led to some very interesting and valuable sexploration.
So there’s that.
I’m also a fan of surveys – more for deciding on mutual definitions of what the question/topic MEANS than for coming to the same answer – because they often bring to light topics of interest one or the other of us would otherwise be in the dark about.
Writing works too. You mention using your blog as a communication tool, which is one form of writing. I also send links to articles and stories that make me ponder some new kinky thing or that make me wet, and I ask for his feedback via text or email. Even if it’s brief, it helps me to know better where he’s at and what he wants. And it gives him the opportunity to respond with links of his own if he’s otherwise having a tough time articulating things.
None of this is rocket science. No doubt these are things you have heard before or already do. But I’m just putting them out there with a bit of the ‘why’ from my personal D/ side of things. 🙂
As for the “in the immediate future” requests, I will just say: I *love* when he does this. “I want to eat you out” or “Can I give you an orgasm?” are words that make me glowy and happy and turn me to mush.
Because it makes me feel wanted.
I have been on the orchestration end of things before and felt like, “I know that my doing all of this makes him feel wanted. But I’m not really feeling wanted myself.”
It happens. People forget that just because a dominant CAN “take” what they want, it’s sometimes nice to feel wanted without having to take. There’s a sweetness about it when something is offered or requested, that adds a different, deeper dimension to the dynamic.
And if you kink to tasking (I don’t personally, but lots of people do this), maybe you two could negotiate a requirement for sharing what you want. Once a week, or every Wednesday night, or one blog post a month or some such.
Just my two cents. (Or two dollars.)
/end soliloquy/
Thank you for this lovely comment Feve.
We actually do all of these things in some form or other. I think the real issue is the last few months we have just been swamped with work and have got out of the habit. Last night after writing this I realised that one of the other things I used to do regularly was have a wander through Tumblr and would repost or send him links to things that made me wet. Being busy means I have not done that I need to change that.
As for immediate future requests he also said something very similar last night after he read my piece about how me asking turns him on, shows him my submission and makes him feel wanted. So I need to shut up the silly voice in my head and get better at that
Mollyxxx
One thing I know, as a dom, is that I always need more information from a woman I’m with about what she likes.
My formula is that I want it as information, not a request, and it doesn’t mean she’s going to get what she wants.
Then I let it pass for a week or so, not giving her that, whatever it might be. And then, it just may happen (actually it will) at a time I choose.
So giving a dom information about wishes and desires isn’t taking control. It’s giving up more control.
Anyway, you should never feel shy about asking for what you want.
Great post about a really interesting issue!
Yes to this and we (I) do this a lot. He has always actively encouraged me to state my desires etc and I am for the most part good at that, it is more the small things, like the desire to just have a fuck, or suck him off, or him go down on me where I stumble
Mollyxxx
I’m glad you’re coming back to this space to share your desires, and it’s never boring to read about them, even if I have previously. You never write the same
Like you, I use my blog to communicate with Master T. I cannot communicate what I want if I have not written it down first. And even then, I have problems saying it and he frequently only gets me to say it if he has asked me leading questions to say out loud what I have already blogged about. It works for us. I would love to see you come back to your blog with your desires and thoughts, even if you have written about it before. Like Cammies said: you never write the same. I have written about the same topics over and over again and love to see how I have grown…
Rebel xox
PS: Thanks for mentioning my post.
No, thank you for writing it because it definitely gave me food for thought. Also you are right about writing about things again because as you say our outlook changes and grows as we explore
mollyxxx
[…] For the asking by Molly – I did a similar post in 2016 and this is a subject really speaking to me. It’s so much part of my submissive nature, as it is of Molly’s. […]
[…] For the asking by Molly – I did a similar post in 2016 and this is a subject really speaking to me. It’s so much part of my submissive nature, as it is of Molly’s. […]