I hate asking for sex things. It is, however something I have got better at but I still find it challenging. Somewhere in my head I sound like I am nagging when I ask for things. I am not talking about in the moment requests; those will roll off my tongue happily. When his fingers are pushed inside my cunt I will happily and desperately ask for him to fuck me. When he is flogging me and I can see him growing hard I will lick my lips and communicate my desire to suck him. I have no desire to ‘direct’ our sex though, I want him to do that, I like it that way, but that doesn’t mean I am passive. I will ask in the moment, even plead and beg sometimes but ultimately what happens, if I get fucked, or get to taste him, or whatever it is, will be decided by him.
The bit I find problematic is asking for things, or suggesting things when we are not in the moment.
I think being in a former relationship where I often felt rejected and sometimes my requests were even met with negativity is part of the problem. If you tell someone you love the fact that when you go to the toilet after you have had sex you get turned on by the way you smell and they react with mixture of horror and disgust you quickly learn that being that filthy is not desirable and so you keep it to yourself. Luckily I never got so far as to believe something was wrong with me but I did learn to keep those things a secret. Learned behaviour over many years is hard to break and despite the fact that I know Michael would never react like that it still haunts me which is why I often need him to reassure me that the things I express/desire are OK. I will often say to him things like, “Is it weird that I like the smell of your cock after we have had sex?” He will often reply with something like, ‘Not weird but it is very dirty but then you are a very dirty girl.’ Which he is right about and it makes me grin when he says it because dirty is good if you find the right person who shares your dirt.
I also think my problem with asking for things is linked to my submission and sexual desires. I have a strong need to be taken and used. I like to fight back, I love to be made to do things, I like feeling like I am the physically weaker partner. I think when I ask for things particularly if it is directly, then somewhere in my head it stops feeling like he is in charge, taking, doing, wanting but is just responding to my request. Which I know he is not because he has always said to me you can ask for anything, tell me what you want/desire but that does not mean you will get them. He will decide if I get it and more often than not he will twist my requests just because he can. His biggest kink is without doubt subverting expectations and yet even knowing that I still find that sometimes asking for something somehow takes the edge of it for me. It is silly really because he is not a mind reader, even though sometimes it feels like he is and the responsibility for open communication lies equally between us.
Not expressing my needs and wants and desires is hugely counterproductive and yet sometimes I still find myself holding back. I have got better over the years but the times when I still stumble is for the small things. I can say; “One day I would like to suck you off in a church yard” but saying, “When we go to bed tonight can I give you a blow job”, would be something I would struggle with and probably self censor. I might attempt to make it clear by my actions once we are in bed but saying it out loud like that as a straight forward request is jarring to me and sets off all sorts of doubts in my head like…
‘If he wanted a blow job surely he would just take one, so if I ask and he says yes then he had no particular desire for one and is motivated by my need and not his desire’ Suddenly it does not seem quite so sexy as if he had just grabbed my head and pushed it down into his crotch and demanded I suck him.
I started writing this post with no real end in mind but these are thoughts that have been buzzing around in my brain since reading a post by Rebel called Please you to please me in which she talks about being asked for what she wants and struggling with the answer and the feedback loop of pleasure that is created for her when she feels she is being used. Then the other day I read this post by Collared Mom: Is there an art to begging? It made me realise how asking for things makes me feel vulnerable, what if he said he didn’t want to? That would really be devastating to me. I could totally understand how what happened between CM and her partner made her feel so bad. I have not been in that position but reading that made me realise that my submissive kink combined with my fear of rejection is causing me to censor myself.
Do I have a solution? Well maybe. One thing I used to do a lot and that I am actually doing right now in writing this post is using my blog as a communication tool between us. I think the last year, certainly the last few months of being so wrapped up in Eroticon planning and other work has resulted in me not using this space in that way quite so much. One of the things I intend to do in 2017 is to change that. Sometimes when I sit down to write a blog post I talk myself out of writing about blow jobs, or the belt, of being held down or all of these things together because well, I have written it before and it must be getting boring. I need to stop that because if those are the things I desire, or whatever it is I desire then who cares that I have maybe written about it before. If I want it then it is time to write it again and find freedom in owning me desires.