A week or so ago @Domsigns wrote a piece on This D/s Life about people’s individual kink limits and respecting other people’s kinks even when they are not your own. He invited readers to share their thoughts on kinks that for them were ‘a touch too much‘. The responses were fairly varied and interesting, although Scat is the one kink that is mentioned multiple times but it got me thinking about my own limits and then Rebel posted this week’s prompt and it seemed like the perfect invitation to write something on this subject.
I looked back at my hard limits list that I blogged about in 2011, What are your hard limits? to see if maybe there was anything on that list which I had changed my mind about. I can safely say there is not. They are all still firmly on my hard limits lists so what, if anything has changed?
Before I continue I want to take clear that I completely support the statement, Your Kink Is Not My Kink But Your Kink Is Ok (YKINMKBYKIOK), just because I don’t get your kink or your kink does not only not turn me on but actually squicks me out, that does not mean that I sit in judgement of you for liking it. As long as your kink is fully consensual and all parties are risk aware then go forth and be kinky, I just might have to look away while you are doing it.
So, back to my question, what has changed about my hard limits list?
Well there are some things that I find very difficult to see, they are not my hard limits list because they are not something I would have associated with our dynamic and my submission but I find seeing images or even at clubs actual play that involves extreme CBT (cock and ball torture) very challenging.
However I have also discovered that I feel the same about extreme female genital torture. Needle, staples, extreme impact play (on genitals) all makes me cross my legs and not in a good way. I like things rough, fingers, cocks, mouths even but beyond that and we are into hard limits territory for me.
I like anal sex and I like anal play but I do not like anal stretching or gaping and I find that when I look for anal porn in Tumblr because I like that and it gets me off, there is way too much of the extreme violent arse fucking that just leaves me cold as well as an increasing amount of images that show prolapsed bowls which burns my eyes and have me scrolling past very very fast because wow does that completely freak me out.
Tumblr is also a culprit when it comes to one that I will definitely be adding to my own personal list. Not because @domsigns is not aware of it but just because I feel so strongly about it that I want to make sure that I have been completely clear about the matter and that is face slapping. I have always known it was not really my thing but as time as gone on that has changed from, ‘not really my thing’, to ‘don’t ever slap my face’. I have had it done to me, not in an extreme way, on a couple of occasions and both times it left me feeling cold but seeing it done to other people made me realise just how much I hate it. I don’t even really know why, there is just something about the violence of it that I find difficult and when I have seen it being done at events we have been attended I instinctively turn my face away because I just can’t bear seeing it. It makes me so uncomfortable. I also think there is something about it that pokes at humiliation for me which is also something I tend not to like. Likewise Tumblr is a minefield when it comes to this kink. I like to peruse Tumblr now and then for some filth to enjoy. Those little short gifs, if they are just right, tend to work for me, and I will find one that just shows a little snippet of something I find hot (a cock being slowly pushed into an arse is one perfect example…. but it has to be slowly/gently and I will happily watch that and get off on it). Sadly a little snippet of something will often catch my eye and I will click on it to see the rest and then bam, he slaps her face, and it is like someone just pissed all over my horn. I can’t tell you how many times that’s occurred. It seems to endemic on Tumblr, even in gifs that are not marked as rough sex a face slap will often appear, especially when blow jobs are part of the scene. As I said, YKINMYBYKIOK but if there is going to be any face slapping then I am definitely not only not going to be playing I am also not going to be watching.
For me, face slapping, is definitely a touch too much.
19 comments
Your kink is not my kink…is what I believe in too. That being said, sometimes I think Tumblr is its own world. I actually love face slapping (but I also enjoy a little humiliation) and even I don’t enjoy most of the slapping and degradation shared on Tumblr. We all have the thing(s) we love and those that we hate. Nothing wrong with that as long as we respect each other’s differences. Very nice post, and perfect for this week’s prompt. 🙂
I absolutely agree about respecting each others differences. Knowing what you like and don’t like is absolutely fine as long as you don’t then judge others for their kinks. Also, yes, Tumblr, it is a strange place, there is lots of beautiful stunning sexy work on there and there is also lots of very disturbing stuff that too.
Mollyxxx
I agree, face slapping is out for me, For me its too close to the abuse I got from my parents. Slap my ass, slap my tits, slap my thighs but stay away from my face. I will safe word in a instant.
It seems from other comments that this its association with abusive memories is not uncommon. I can’t claim that is the case for me though but I can totally see how for others it is
Mollyxxx
*nodnodnod*
I am with you on mych of what you wrote here. 🙂
I have found over time that a few of my “inflexibles” have become slightly bendy, but it’s very partner-specific and has to be heavily negotiated. Likewise, a couple of things I was previously “don’t love it” about (soft limits) have become “hell NO” hard limits over time (and experience). Also – and I don’t think I’m alone in this; it’s a Switchy thing, I’ve discovered – the things I am willing to do *to* another person are typically vastly different than what I will allow to *be done to* me.
Consensual kinkery is all good with me. Your kink is not my kink, etc.
That said: Needles.
Abso-fucking-lutely NO. No way, no how.
Needles are definitely, for me, (much more than) a touch too much.
Interestingly needle started off as a ‘no thank you’ for me but that has most definitely changed and now I am keen to try them out more. For me that is one of the things I really love about kink, is the way that I find my desires, interests, wants, etc evolve and change is very exciting
mollyxxx
I’m with you on so much of this… but especially face slapping. It’s a bad trigger for me after some abuse when I was younger. But I don’t like anything on my face…. no cum, no hoods, no masks. I’m okay with blindfolds and with most gags, but just barely.
I love cum on my face (just avoid the eyes) but I am not keen on having my face covered although I have recently found myself wondering about a lose hood as I have seen some images that have inspired a positive physical reaction in me
Mollyxxx
I’m on board with your squicks, here, I have to say.
My father slapped my face once, when I was… 6? I’d come over to show him something I’d found, and at first he was nice about it, but then my little brother fell over on the steps where I’d left him, and his reaction was to smack me in the face.
It was utterly shocking, and not just demeaning, but felt like a total erasure of my self as a small) person. Something about face slapping has a dehumanising effect. I did it once to my (utterly vanilla) husband – well, no, I jokingly tapped him on the cheek in a mock castigating way, and his response was to say ‘ugh, that felt awful, I’m never doing that to the dog again’.
You can see why people play with it – that video where strangers are asked to slap each other (followingo nthe kissing one) was quite brilliant, and the way it invited them to unpack the experience was fascinating. One woman wanted to have it done again – she was thrilled about it – but that’s more to do with the transgressive, the wild freedom of doing something so intimate, physical, forbidden, I think. Or maybe she was just kinky…
Sometimes I crave the idea of it – but I know that it’s not from a good place – it’s from that same place of erasure and punishment and nothingness I experienced as a child. It’s about power, yeah, but all the rough sex porn just has it as a slap-happy trope that’s messy and nasty and annoying. They’re messing with something I don’t think they understand, and it’s dangerous that it’s becoming mainstream. The thought of 15 year old boys slapping and choking girls because they think that’s what’s sex bothers me, I confess.
“Something about face slapping has a dehumanising effect.” I think you have hit the nail on the head for me with this sentence.
As for the face slapping video you mentioned. I watched that one, and the kissing one. I loved the kissing one but found the face slapping one really hard to watch even though it was in a completely different context and utterly consensual it just made me uncomfortable but I can totally see why people play with it.
As for young people. I also tend to agree with you because it does seem to be endemic in porn but I truly believe the answer to that is excellent and in depth sex and relationship education that discusses subjects just like that and explore them with young people in the context of relationships, consent and the role of porn
mollyxxx
Yup, totally agree with you – real education and good porn standards!
Your kink is not my kink… definitely my motto too. Like you, there are some things I just cannot look at and many of mine are similar than what you mentioned above. However, where you like the short gifs, I don’t. I prefer to go to porn sites and watch longer clips, where I can see the build-up to a fucking, as it’s not always only the fucking that gets me excited, but the ‘story’ that leads to it. Granted, some stories are lame and they do nothing for me, and therefore it sometimes takes time to find something that really excites me. As for faceslapping… I have been slapped before, but only lightly. More or less a tap on my cheek to get my full attention. A proper slap? NO! I have been physically abused before and that involved terrible slaps, and my daughter has suffered this too when she was only 5 years old. So no no no full-on faceslapping for me either. And like you the genital torture, whether male or female, makes me cringe. I don’t like the sight of that at all.
Rebel xox
As I said the gif has to be JUST right, and most of them are not to be honest but every now and then I find one that works for me, or sometimes even an image but it does take time and usually I get bored way before I find anything that actually works.
Mollyxxx
I love discussions like this that show the diversity of our responses. Some of the things you have listed fascinate me but I am still very wary of them. I love seeing a nicely tied cock and balls, I love being flogged or cropped on my cunt. I fantasise about being caned there but it scares me too. Face slapping is one of those things that would have been on my no way list originally if I had thought about it. As it is, I love it but it is in a specific set up and delivery. Weirdly, it doesn’t make me feel dehumanised or degraded, it immediately brings me to intense calm focus. It isn’t something I would want to do with a casual partner though.
I absolutely agree with you. I find it fascinating all the various different responses, often with ‘whys’ attached as well. I think it shows just how unique all our kinks are, even ones we agree on, we often like them in different ways or in certain circumstances only.
Mollyxxx
Really interesting piece and comments. It’s something I love ,but it has to be with the right person. I wonder if how you identify has any bearing on it. Not that these things are ever exact, but my situation is more sadist/masochist than dominant/submissive and face slapping tends to add to the crescendo of the play rather than, for me, being in any way humiliating or degrading (which does nothing for me) Thanks for your perspective 🙂 xx
I have only slapped a woman’s face once, in the classic young girl going hysterical over boyfriend’s behaviour situation, and encouraged by my girlfriend who was her best friend. I wouldn’t do it to a woman I loved. Her ass is another matter 😉
“and it is like someone just pissed all over my horn” made me laugh out loud! What a great phrase!
Face slapping isn’t for me either. Was slapped in the face in NOT a good way so it would never make me hot.
I am 100% in agreement re YKINMKBYKIOK, I fully respect that we are all different and I simply don’t do judgement.
Someone else was posting about how limits are fluid. There are things that fall under “YKINMKBYKIOK”, but some are very dependent upon my partner. My husband is the one person who I’m generally willing to do try anything once with. That said, I’m also a hard nope on genital staples etc.