Not playing the game

By on October 22, 2014.

I have thought long and hard about writing this post but I have never been one for shying away from tricky subjects and so I decided that not writing it would be taking the chicken way out and that doesn’t sit well with me. So here I am, with a large empty word document, something to say and a desire not to upset or offend anyone in the process. Seems like an almost impossible task but here goes anyway.

I have decided not to get involved in the ‘vote for me’ pimping this year.

As a genre sex bloggers and erotic writers are fairly marginalised from the rest of the rest of the writing/blogging community. We write about subjects that for many people mean that we are not welcome in their community. We are less,Β maybe because we give more. If you look at all the big blogging awards it will quickly become evident that if you write adult content then you won’t be considered. There are the odd exception to this rule, Violet Blue, being one such person, her mixture of tech/geek writing alongside adult content has allowed her to slip through the net on a few occasions. However for the vast majority of us we are denied recognition for our blogs to a wider audience by virtue of the fact that we chose to write what we write.

As a result I believe that being a strong and supportive community of one another is vital. Individually we are small but important voices, providing interesting, different, challenging content that reflects the huge and diverse nature of human sexuality. Together we can make those voices just a little bit louder, the conversation about sex that little bit more accessible and recognition of the many varied talents for writing, photography, telling of tales or provision of accurate non-judgmental information and education honest and true.

The moment we pit ourselves, one against the other, we lose that ability because then it is no longer about content, talent, creativity, bravery to try something different, to say something different/new, it is purely a pissing contest to see who can use social media most effectively to get people to vote for them and I worry that the moment we allow ourselves to be led down that path we are at huge risk of letting numbers become the most important thing.

Lots of bloggers compiled their own annual lists, myself included, (20 of 2012 and 20 of 2013) of other blogs and websites that they want to champion. All the ones I have seen and some I have been lucky enough to find myself included on are honest reflections of that persons reading habits. They give the reader not only access to other writers that they might not know but they also tell you something about the person who compiled the list. What they like to read, the material they consume in their spare time, the writers, photographers and bloggers that inspire them. In sharing those list they give something back to the community, they honour those around them for having an impact on them. Of course the original idea for these types of list must be attributed to Rori from Between My Sheets who has compiling her famous Top 100 Sex Bloggers list for 7 years now. She uses a system of nominations, which means that she gets exposed to all sorts of blogs which she herself might not know about, along with many hours of her time to read through them and select her favourites. The list reflects Rori’s tastes and has nothing to do with numbers and everything to do with what SHE likes. Sure it has not been without its surprises over the years but for me that is what makes it interesting and I know that not only finding myself on the list but actually topping it back in 2012 was a very proud moment. To be acknowledged by one of my peers for what I do here was very special. It didn’t matter whether I had 10 loyal readers or 10,000, this was about my content and someone else’s appreciation for it.

Voting is in its nature open to corruption especially when it is being done online. As I said above, it is no longer about what you do, what you say, about the impact your work has on the people who read it but purely about your numbers. Sure numbers are interesting, I am sure we all know what our traffic is, what it means to us and get excited when it increases but having a site with high traffic doesn’t make you better than any other site, it just makes you more read. Take Cosmo as an example, they have a very high readership/traffic but do we believe that in general what they have to say about sex and relationships is quality information? The cynic in me also feels that some of these voting systems are less about giving something back and more about harvesting traffic and valuable SEO from this community for sites that are commercial.

Since taking over the driving seat at elust quite a few people have asked me why we don’t have voting on the site every month. Let the readers and bloggers pick their favourite post. The answer to that is I don’t believe it would be a fair system. It would no longer be about a selected group of peers picking the posts the most resonated with them but would instead be about traffic. The current system relies on the good will of the judges to put in some time each month and pick their top 5 posts from the list and as a result every post submitted has an equal chance of being picked. The voting is completely secret. The only people who know who voted for what are myself and @domsigns which allows the judges to pick their favourites without fear of prejudice and as result I feel that the digest consistently highlights new and interesting voices. I think voting would destroy that and make the digest about who can gather the most votes, not who wrote something interesting/new/different etc. I think smaller, less well-known blogs would be put at a massive disadvantage and the diverse nature of the judges picks would be lost.

I am not saying I have any answers here, what I am saying is that the voting style systems make me uncomfortable. I have certainly found myself taking part in them in the past but always with unease. I feel that the only way to do well is to bombard my readers and twitter followers with pleas for their votes in an attempt to get myself noticed and yet noticed for what end really? Yes, it is lovely to be recognised for what I do but for me, the emails from countless readers about all sorts of different things mean much more to me, as do the conversation I have with people on Twitter and Facebook and the comments people leave in my work, than anything else. Getting a mention on a list might bring a few new readers and get my site a link from another site, all not without value, but if I feel like I might have harassed my already loyal readership or even worse, bored them, to achieve it, that is when doubt starts to creep in.

Maybe it is me, I find the voting system creates an unnecessary level of competition within a community that I truly believe doesn’t benefit from it at all. I find myself pitched against the very people whom I look to for support, encouragement, inspiration etc. Maybe I am just not good at the cut throat nature of competition, it feels to like a value judgement to me and in this context maybe all it tells us is who has the best social media reach, not who has a blog worth reading.

I just want to be completely clear before you all lynch me that I am absolutely not saying anyone is doing anything wrong, or accusing anyone of anything I am merely explaining why I feel uneasy about it and why I have decided not to canvas for any votes. If anyone votes for me in these things then hurrah, that will be lovely, but if not, then that is perfectly OK too. For those of you that are partaking in something like this PLEASE do not see this as a criticism of you because it is not. I totally get why you are doing it, as I said, I have done it in the past, all I am saying is how I feel about it now and why I have come to this conclusion about my own behaviour.

Yes I will continue to put together my own annual list of blogs I like to read/recommend and I have certainly put my nominations forward to Rori for her to consider for her list. I will be delighted to find my name on anyone else’s list if they should so wish to include me. I am always honoured and get great satisfaction out of knowing that what I do here resonates with people but when it comes to open voting systems I am going to stay quiet and let what will be, be. I don’t want to compete with you for readers or votes, I don’t like that game and as I said at the beginning I don’t think it serves us well as individuals or as a community.

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Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker
Find me in my corner of the internet at Molly's Daily Kiss
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22 Comments

  1. I’ve generally never bothered for pretty much the same reason. I write what I write because I want to write it and read what I read because I enjoy it.

    For me, the joy comes from the comments people leave on my posts (even the negative comments as at least they have taken the time to read and express an opinion).

    There’s also the friends I’ve made on Twitter, like @hornygeekgirl, @charlieinthe, @sexblogofsorts, @kilted_wookie and, of course, @domsigns, to name a few. We all have different views and experiences, we all express them in our own individual ways, but all are equal contributors who respect each other’s efforts.

    I’ve never asked for votes, although I have shamelessly plugged certain posts I’m particularly proud of. Voting is kind of anonymous and I much prefer the interaction with people who comment on my posts or chat to me on Twitter.

    Having said that, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel a thrill of recognition when one of my #SinfulSunday posts makes it into the weekly round up.

    I have a dedicated group of regular commenters, some fellow adult bloggers/writers, some not, and I try to respond to as many of their comments as possible.

    For me, it’s all about the sharing and that’s where memes like #SinfulSunday, #MasturbationMonday and #WickedWednesday come in. They introduce me to new blogs and introduce new people to mine. They allow a cross-pollination of ideas and information, a community of sharing.

    So, yeah, vote for me or not depending on your participation in these contests, I really don’t mind either way, but I value your comments and interactions so much more.

    Katie xx
    @KatieButterfly recently posted..We are what we eatMy Profile

    • Thank you for leaving a comment. I completely agree with this sentence “For me, it’s all about the sharing and that’s where memes like #SinfulSunday, #MasturbationMonday and #WickedWednesday come in. They introduce me to new blogs and introduce new people to mine. They allow a cross-pollination of ideas and information, a community of sharing.” It is one of the very reasons I started Sinful Sunday, was to encourage a community and help people find new bloggers who interest them etc. It is also why I try to get to regular guest posters to the round-up so that we get a varied look at what different people like or don’t like etc. Recognition for what we do is ALWAYS lovely…. I know I am very proud of the awards/mentions/sidebar links etc that I receive. I work very hard here on my site because I LOVE it. I have never monetised it because I have yet to find the right partner for me to work with but who knows what the future holds but I do know the most important thing to me here is that this is MY creative space, it is where I bleed metaphorically and I am proud of what I have created.

      Mollyxxx

  2. For myself, I haven’t tried to round up votes either. I did, however, comment on ‘Rori’s top bloggers’ to those that I follow that she didn’t have listed as being nominated – I didn’t list my favorites if they’ve already been included on her amazing list. I also wrote up something similar, – I am not voting, but that for me the lists are a great way to open the community and have allowed me to follow and find so many interesting people. This is a small community, we do absolutely support each other, and I want to welcome as many new people as I can to it.
    Cammies on the Floor recently posted..Truth be toldMy Profile

  3. I wish I was as brave as you to just follow my own line…

    Like you, I don’t like the voting system, because it’s not about the content that is shared, but it tends to be about the person behind the content. Like with Alison’s Smut Marathon and my Dutch Writing Marathon, I feel it’s much better to have people choose their favorite story instead of having them vote for an author even if they don’t like the particular story. I like the way Rori does it – she takes nominations and SHE decides who gets what position. The number of nominations doesn’t count. I don’t like voting systems, but I don’t mind nomination systems. Will I do a ‘nominate me’ post next year? I probably will, yes. but since I have now said I don’t like voting systems, I might not do a ‘vote for me’ post again.

    As for doing a ‘top 20 of 2014’ list of my own… I am still very much in doubt whether I would do it again. I had some comments when I did it last year, some of which made me feel uncomfortable and had me thinking…
    I’m always proud to see my name on a list, thankful for the recognition and I want to do the same for others. But I am always afraid of leaving some people out and hurting feelings. There are so many great blog(gers) out there!

    Thanks for this post Molly, as you have put into words some things that have been nagging me in the back of my mind. It’s time to straighten my back, take a stand and do what I believe is the right thing to do.

    Great post! Thanks for speaking up…

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted..Drunk FuckMy Profile

    • Thank you for your comment Rebel. I agree with you about the Smut Marathon by taking peoples names out of the equation it means that people are purely voting for the piece of writing they like best and it is not a popularity contest. I enjoyed being part of it earlier this year and have really enjoyed being a reader and voter this time round.

      I have never had any negative comments about my list, maybe I was just lucky, I really did my own as a kind of extension to my blog role and to give my readers an insight into what I read. I know what you mean about leaving people out. I decided to do 20 each time but it is always a struggle as I could probably easily extend that to 50 but I wanted to create something a little more focused and take the time to explain why I picked the ones I did and I don’t think 50 would give me the space to do that

      Mollyxxx

      Ps… thanks for the bit about being brave… I will admit that I have worried a great deal about posting this as i feared upsetting folks which is would actually be totally counter productive, however it seems from comments so far that I did OK

  4. I’ve written similar blog posts in years past about my own discomfort with the “Best Blogger” lists that come out every year. Even Rori’s wonderful list, with its placing a numerical order on the blogs, makes me uncomfortable. I have caught myself asking “Why is THAT blog listed higher than mine?” It makes me cringe and makes me disgusted and ashamed of myself. Still, I have asked for nominations and votes in past years – and then felt a similar shame in having done so, even as I catch myself checking obssessively for nominations and votes.

    What I have to come recognize is that these sorts of competitions are not healthy for *me*; that while my discomfort comes from a similar place as yours, a genuine discomfort with pitting our small community against one another, it also comes from a deeper, more personal place for me: that of being judged – even here, in this space of my own where I should feel safe – and found wanting. I dislike what it brings out in me, dislike how it makes me feel, and dislike who I am in those moments. This year I am not even writing a “this is why I don’t engage” post, because I know myself well enough to know that, for me, even that would be self-serving in its way.

    That said, I display my own “badges” with pride, and appreciate the recognition. I have found some wonderful new blogs to read on the yearly lists that appear (yours included) and I respect and admire Rori in particular for the incredible amount of time and effort she puts into her list year after year. I am proud to have been included on many such lists, and do not hold it against anyone who posts about any of them, whether asking for nominations or votes, or simply talking about how they feel about such things. Recognition is a good thing, and those bloggers who get on these lists should be proud of their accomplishment and of the recognition. I applaud and support them.
    Jade recently posted..Snapshots of Three WeekendsMy Profile

    • Thank you for your comment Jade… it seems we have very similar feelings about this and your comment about competitions not being healthy for you really resonated with me. I really tried hard not to make this post self serving, and I was very worried about it coming across that way. I can not tell you the amount of times I have read it through, edited it and so on until I thought M was going to shot me. In the end I decided to just go with it. It has been playing on mind for a couple of weeks now and I feel better having got it out.

      I know what you mean about the ordering of Rori’s list and I suspect she is aware of how that can play out but I also admire her for being bold with it and saying, ‘this is MY list’ however it is one reason why I decided not to order my list as it feels a bit like comparing apples and oranges, both fruits, but both very different. I wants to try to explain to readers what it is about a certain blog or site that makes them one I enjoy, but the reasons for that are very varied.

      I completely agree we should be proud of our achievements and celebrate together when we receive recognition and I certainly don’t hold anything against anyone who does those types of post but like you, I have found myself becoming increasingly uncomfortable with them for ME.

      Mollyxxx

    • Thank you Modesty. I spent HOURS agonising over this one trying to get something that I felt explained my position without judgement on others. I am hopeful from your comment that I managed to achieve that somewhat

      mollyxxx

  5. I’m grateful that some people find value in what I do. I almost gave it up a few years ago when people TORE the list apart due to some of my picks. But I decided to push on because at the end of the day, for *my* list it isn’t about a popularity contest and the only reason I ask people to promote it is to get more people involved – I don’t want it to be about asking for votes. If a blogger gets a single nomination, they have just as good of a chance of winning the #1 spot as someone who gets 100 nominations, and actually, every year I do a crap ton of research to try to find bloggers who weren’t nominated but deserve to be mentioned. I’m in a tiny little dark corner of the Internet and a blog that is AMAZING shouldn’t be disqualified simply because their readers never knew about my annual list.

    I get super anxious the night before the list goes live every year. I constantly second-guess myself and worry that I’ve left someone out when they deserve to be on the list. Actually, I’m sure I have, multiple times. I try not to look at where I rated people the previous year, because, after all, it’s all relative. And I try not to fall into the thought, “Oh, this person is really popular, so they deserve to be in the top ten” because we all know that the highest-quality blogs with the most engaging writers aren’t always the most popular.

    This is the first year I asked for people to vote for me for another list – and I have mixed feelings about it. I hate the idea of begging for votes so my ego will be stroked. At the same time, I would love the extra traffic that comes along with recognition from being on a “top blogger” list. Who among us wouldn’t love to reach new readers? Being the curator of what I *think* is the longest-running list for adult bloggers (someone correct me if I’m wrong – this is the 8th year for me) has perks and downfalls, but one of the downfalls is definitely that I’m never on the list myself.

    My hope is that people who don’t like these kind of lists can still see the value in me doing it every year, so bloggers who are doing great work can find new readers.

    This is a really interesting conversation, Molly, and I’m glad you started it! Convos like this pretty well illustrate why you are a past #1 winner on my list! πŸ™‚
    Rori recently posted..The ONE SECRET to Making Any Relationship BetterMy Profile

    • Hello Rori

      Firstly let me say I am glad you didn’t give up. I am sure it must feel like putting your head on the chopping block each year but I am glad you have continued and in the process created a valuable resource. Yes, not everyone will agree with it, but then isn’t that point as it is YOUR list.

      I completely agree about wanting to reach new readers. I totally get that and it would be my motivation too but sadly I have found that traffic from has not really warranted the amount of traffic I would need to send to them to secure a lot of votes and again it still feels very skewed towards bloggers with already large traffic and I am not sure that serves anyone well to be honest. Which is not the same with your list I hasten to add. I have not only found many new blogs from your list that I didn’t know about before but also (and thank you very much for this) got a ton of traffic to my site which I can only assume is new people discovering me.

      Oh and thank you for your last thought, that really made me smile.

      Mollyxxx

  6. I asked for noms. After reading your post, I really don’t know why. Either people will read and like my content or they won’t.

    To be honest, I’ve struggled with finding a niche for my blog. I’ve taken a few hits for writing dark, edgy stuff. Popular or not, I need to get over that and just write what I like.

    Thanks Molly.

    • Hi SinDoll, thank you for your comment and I love your dark edgy stuff because it is exactly that, dark and edgy. I have said similar to Lord Raven who also tends to write what would be classed as dark and edgy….fiction shouldn’t be safe, it should challenge, make us think and if sometimes it makes the hair on our arms stand on end then I would count that as a win!

      Mollyxxx

  7. Thank you for writing this!

    As a relative newbie to the blogging world I’m still trying to find my own style. I write for me and nobody else. In the short time I’ve been doing this I have learnt so much more about myself. When I hit post for the very first time I was terrified, I’d opened myself up for criticism in a way I had never done before but it didn’t come. I’ve had nothing but positive comments and encouragement, there’s even been a few posts that have actually created discussion and that makes me very happy. So I’ve discovered recognition is fantastic, however it’s an added bonus not the goal.

    Then recently I’ve been seeing lots of voting happening and I’ve doubted myself. I’d never seen this as a competition, should I be looking at it in that way? The answer to that for me is a clear No. Not one of us is better than the others, some can write fiction better, some have a clearer way of expressing ourselves and some of us have a knack for photography. But everybody is an individual who has different reading and writing tastes.

    So I will continue writing for me and I will continue reading what I like to read and I will continue to learn from such a diverse group of people in this community.
    sub-Bee recently posted..RefinedMy Profile

  8. Molly, I am so glad you wrote this post.
    Funny, the other night I went back to look at Rori’s page of nominations. I noticed after scrolling through that the same ones were being mentioned over & over. I also noticed (it appeared to me) that “friends were nominating friends” and mentioning those that are in their “circle.”
    I appreciate the mentions I received and am very grateful & happy that I was thought of & mentioned. However, it was after my post about “nominating me.”
    Penny said to me in a comment something to the affect that “your readers might not be aware of the list.” Which made sense, because I don’t think most of my readers are on twitter or even aware of the “list.” So I wrote my post.
    I shared it on all my other social sites (Google+, StumbleUpon, etc) I started to think about all my lurkers and how divided into little groups the sex blogging community seems to be. There are erotica authors, there are the models, sex toy reviewers and the ones that have been doing it for years and of course those sexperts who I consider to be professional.
    It is difficult for me to fit into a niche. I have always been rebellious and easily bored. So I do cover a variety of different topics. I know at times my sex experiences are not always positive. I noticed that even the sex blogging community can be judgmental, in a quiet way. But it’s still there. Let me say that you and those I consider “the heavy hitters” have always shown me kindness. Which is a needed comfort for those newcomers to the sex blogging community. When starting out it is so easy to give up, especially when new bloggers read about the “lists.” A SB can lose focus as to why they started blogging in the first place, focusing on trying to get on someone’s list. It’s neither good or bad if that’s what they want, however makes me wonder if it could effect their posts. Maybe new SBs think that its the traffic that is important, that it’s suppose to be about the numbers.
    I also noticed that there are a lot of “followers.” If one blogger does something that might work from them then one of their readers/followers attempts to do the same thing. Perhaps they seen the numerous comments and they want that too. I don’t know.
    I do know that I’ve been thinking about this new year coming up and where to go with my blog. I know what’s best for me (mentally & emotionally) and I’m not gonna worry about being a someone’s list (anymore).
    Again thank you for writing this post and for giving me an opportunity to comment on it & sharing my opinions & thoughts.
    – Cat
    SassyCat recently posted..It’s about My Car and What’s Inside [TMI]My Profile

    • Hi Sassy, thank you for your comment. I totally agree that focusing on what is best for you emotionally and mentally is the key. I also understand that for some people they are motivated by wanting to make a living from their blog but for me I have to find a balance otherwise I risk losing not only my focus but my love for what I do and for me loving it, is the most important thing

      mollyxxx

  9. I am rubbish when it comes to explicitly voting and nominating people for things. Why? Because I always feel like it’s akin to asking which of my children I love more. I find it very difficult to single people out because, without exception, each and every person in this community has something interesting to say and it feels wrong to me, personally, to say that one is better than another, based on my personal sexual value system.

    I love different blogs for different reasons and while there are some that I visit with great regularity, there are others that I tend to dip into on a less frequent basis. That is in no way a reflection of the quality of those sites that I visit less often – or to say that I enjoy them less when I do – but simply that some align more closely with me on a day-to-day basis and therefore have a more linear resonance.

    For me, one of my favourite things each month is sitting down to read and select my top five e[lust] entries. I never know what I am going to find or what I am going to read when I click on the links in the judges’ forum and, without fail, there is always a post that surprises me, or challenges me to think about something differently – often from a blogger or writer that I am not in day-to-day contact with.

    I, personally, haven’t made any nominations to Rori’s top 100 (I’d feel duty-bound to to nominate every sex blogger and his/her dog if I did!), but I do think this list is a fantastic resource for highlighting those who may not be in plain view. In any case, I’d like to say a heartfelt and pre-emptive “well done” to everyone who makes the 2014 cut.

    Jane xxx
    Jane recently posted..Wicked Wednesday: Losing it, asking for itMy Profile

  10. I saw this post a while back & meant to comment sooner. I definitely have mixed feelings about these lists too, even though I do usually participate.

    I ask for nominations and votes because I figure some of my readers wouldn’t mind taking a moment to do it, and being on these lists can help with traffic and recognition as you mentioned. You’ve brought up a very good point about us actually giving the sites who do these lists traffic though, and whether it’s worth or not for us as bloggers…I’m not sure.

    I try not to take the lists’ results too personally since they’re very subjective and obviously the voting ones are more about popularity, but it’s really hard not to. As Jade mentioned, I’ve had moments of looking at lists and wondering why I’m below someone or why someone isn’t ranked as highly as I think they should etc. and it does feel very competitive. As someone else mentioned, I too have looked at who was nominating me etc. and it’s really easy to get caught up in it all. It definitely doesn’t do much to foster community or support among bloggers.

    Where I’m at personally right now is trying to strike a balance between asking for votes and not going overboard or letting these lists define me & my blog. Last year I didn’t ask for votes & I wasn’t listed on one of the big lists, and this year I asked for votes & received a pretty good ranking. I’d rather be on the list and potentially reach some new readers than not be on it at all…but it does make me uncomfortable when my whole time line is all bloggers asking for votes, and when I have those unhealthy moments of worrying about rankings and competition.

    Whether or not I’ll participate in the future is up in the air, but I’m glad you had the courage to post this and start an important discussion in the sex blogging community. It’s definitely something we need to think and talk about at the very least.

    xxPenny
    Penny recently posted..Let’s Play a Game (Spuffy Erotica)My Profile

  11. (I subscribe to your feed, but somehow missed this! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!! GRRRR.)

    Anyhoo – I always appreciate landing on someone’s personally curated list; it feels genuine and hard won and also like winning the lottery. I understand that even with the personal lists there’s still an element of luck. I mean, the chances of what I wrote resonating with some random stranger out in the world are slim as it is and then for them to be the kind of blogger who compiles a list is even slimmer! You get my point, I’m sure: I feel lucky, full stop. On the other hand, I think, “Yay! Someone got it!” It just feels good. πŸ™‚

    As for the ones where actual numbers of votes count… I asked for votes recently but truly half-assedly (is that a word?? Well, it is now!). I saw all my cohorts doing it and figured, why not? I wasn’t at all invested in the results and quite frankly thought that site was using all of us to generate traffic for THEM. I get zilch from being on their directory, on their list, etc. It just seemed like a blog-maintenance thing to do to mention the voting they had going on. I didn’t think twice about it frankly. But thanks to this post and my own personal convos about it I will definitely NOT be participating in the future. I don’t want to contribute that dog-eat-dog mentality, nor do I want to be used like that.

    I had a conversation with a fellow sex blogger about the voting/lists thing and she and I both agreed that one site in particular seemed to use “contests” purely for traffic purposes and not at all for exposing new blogs to a wider readership or cultivating a sense of community. Rori’s list — while subjective — is honestly so and definitely bridges gaps in the ether. I like her list — truly. Of course my lizard brain would like to see my name at a certain level, but my human brain understands it doesn’t really matter. I have everything I need and all the encouragement and support I could ever ask for right at my fingertips already. I don’t need a list to tell me that.
    Hyacinth recently posted..e[lust] #64My Profile

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