‘I can feel your eyes on me, exploring my flesh, consuming it with your thoughts, imagining…. What it would be like to touch me, to be me, to taste me. The more you look the more I want to hide from you, your gaze make me feel vulnerable and exposed, more than just naked, more than just flesh. Your eyes show me desire, passion, hunger; even if I can’t see them I know they can see me. They study my curves and the intimate recesses of myself and in that moment I find a beauty in me that is liberating. I see myself through others eyes and I am made anew.’
Exhibitionism; the act of exposing in a public or semi-public context those parts of one’s body that are not normally exposed. Clearly this is a fairly useless dictionary definition that deals solely with the act itself affording it no depth or reason and for me exhibitionism is a complex thing. So in an attempt to try to make some sense of this subject I am going to address each of Jade’s suggested questions in turn. Forgive me now, I have a feeling this is going to turn into a long one but it is exhibitionism so I promise to reward you with something to look at in the end.
Are you an exhibitionist? I think the answer to this is splattered all over my blog.
Do you like to show off? Oddly my exhibitionist streak is sprinkled with a dash of shyness and hint of vulnerability that at times makes me want to hide my face when I know people are looking, particularly “in person watching”. Photographs are different, I am more removed from them and I guess feel an element of control about them that in person is removed. Also as much as I am an exhibitionist I am also my own greatest voyeur, my images allow me to ‘watch’ myself something that I really get off on. Fuck me in front of a mirror and I will be transfixed by the spectacle and orgasms a plenty will result.
Do you like to know that people are watching? Hmmm, this is a tricky one. I am sure many won’t believe me when I say I post my images mainly for myself but it is the truth. I like to see them and put words and thoughts to them, they help me to see, really see, and at times understand myself but then I know others see them too and I love that. Knowing that my photographs have been enjoyed by others really does spur me on to be more creative. It is an art to me.
When it comes to knowing people are watching in real life this is where things get more complicated. I want them to watch, it turns me on to know they are watching me being used and yet just thinking about it, I can feel that little blush of red start to prickle on my cheeks. I think there is quite a conflict in me about this part of my kink. Yes I want it, yes I get off on it, and yes it makes me cringe and squirm and sometimes flush with embarrassment. If I had a choice I wouldn’t do it but I don’t want a choice. I would miss out if I did. I need him to make me be the exhibitionist slut that secretly I desire to be.
Do you need or want to be seen to enjoy your kink, or is it just icing on the cake? I love to be watched, despite my protests but it is a lovely extra. I am just as happy being defiled in private although I will admit that it will often lead to me reaching for my camera.
If you do enjoy it, what is it about it that turns you on? Oh my how to give this one words? You are not supposed to be watched, it is a private affair to be conducted behind the bedroom door, only very bad dirty girls will let you watch and they must be really slutty if they like it…. I guess it is the taboo, feeling naughty, bad and dirty. There is an extreme buzz to it that runs through my body, exposure and vulnerability come crashing together and make me wanton and lustful. I am in that moment a subbie slutty whore.
Does who is watching matter? Not really no, they are purely watchers, eyes, that consume but do not actually touch.
Are you an exhibitionist only for a certain someone or someone’s, or does a crowd turn you on? Recently I had a crowd of 2, I was just as turned on by it as when there were 22. Eyes are eyes.
Does being watched change your behaviour? Interestingly this was a discovery made the very first time we played at a club because for some reason that environment and the audience often means that I can take far more. I think it is the combination of wanting to please him, wanting to show off what I am and also the combined adrenalin rush of all that, which alters my pain boundaries.
Do you have fantasies of being anonymously observed, or have you played with that concept? Often. He will whisper in my ear when he is fucking me of his plans to ‘have me watched’ taunting me with ideas and scenes that make me blood boil with lust.
Do you feel that exhibitionism should be confined to only certain places and times, or is public exhibitionism (a little or a lot) ever okay? Seeing as I am a dedicated Scavenger Hunter to a certain extent I believe that public exhibitionism is absolutely fine but like so many things you have to use your common sense. Flashing a boob in public is clearly a very different thing to being whipped or fucked. Clearly being whipped or fucked in a play space where that activity is deemed acceptable is one thing but doing it in the local park in front of the kids is not. Making observers feel uncomfortable leads to issues of consent and actually it is no longer sexy to me in that situation. There is a big difference between liking to be watched and getting off on exposing yourself to non consenting individuals.
What about forced exhibitionism? Does that turn you on or off, or make it easier to enjoy or accept it? There are times when I am the reluctant exhibitionist for sure, being forced out onto the cross, or made to lift my skirt and show someone will have me cringing and squirming in my very own little pool of juices.
“All bloggers are exhibitionists, even those that remain anonymous.” Would you agree or disagree with that statement?
Agree but like many things it is deeply personal and individual and sweeping statements don’t do anyone justice.
As a blogger I blog for me first, for what I get out of doing it, the readers, or in the case of my exhibitionism, ‘the watchers’ are an added extra and I am aware that it is a complicated relationship because as I previously stated I am my own greatest voyeur. So who is actually watching who….
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