The prompt for Wicked Wednesday this week is BDSM. As my blog is filled to the brim with all sorts of posts related to this I felt writing another would only end up in me repeating a lot of subject matter but then I read John D Stories post on the subject and it got me to thinking about the whole idea of BDSM labels and whether people are doing it correctly. Is my kink better or more worthy of a BDSM label or title then anyone else’s?
I have written about labels before, and how they are a necessarily evil that are the result of our use of language and a need to communicate with one another. They are essentially descriptive terms that help us explain to people who and what we are. The key to using them effectively, in my mind, is defining the label to suit you as opposed to defining yourself by the label. I clearly identify as being submissive but to really understand what that means to me you have to enquire further. Being submissive is a catch-all term that gives you an idea of our relationship and my role within it but does not tell you how that exactly it manifests itself. By using that label I am lumped in with all the other people who use it too. Are we the same? No. Is my submission better or more ‘true’ than anyone else’s? No.
We are in a 24/7 D/s relationship. Our roles within that are fairly tightly defined in that I am always the Sub and he is always the Dom. Neither of us has any desire to switch and so that makes it easier for us to identify our ‘labels’ in that regard. Our D/s relationship is also 24/7 in that it is always there, it not exclusive to the bedroom, or to our sexual relationship, it filters into every part of our day and life together and so we have another label we can adopt. We indulge in a large variety of kinks together. Some more extreme or edgy than others but does that make me a better Sub, or him a more ‘natural’ Dom? No
My submission is no better, more submissive or true (a word I hate) then anyone else’s just as his dominance is no better or more dominant than anyone else’s. I don’t own these words, I identify with them and anyone else who identifies with them, and even if it is only every other Saturday between 2 – 4pm, has just as much right to use them, explore and understand them as I do. BDSM is not an exclusive club. There are no entry requirements, no certificates of membership or certain levels you have to achieve to be entitled to use the label. In John D Stories case he talks about feeling like a fraud when it comes to adopting any BDSM terminology but I think this comes from a common misconception that there is a right or wrong way to practise these things and that by not doing it all the time or just dabbling in it somehow belittles the use of those words and I call bull shit on that. The only right or wrong way (as long as it is consensual and risk aware) is defined by you and what feels right for and your relationships. Don’t be afraid to explore what BDSM or submission, dominance, masochism or sadism means to you just because you see or hear other people’s experiences and think that you don’t fit into what they like or enjoy. Often times those people will have been exploring for years and their self-knowledge and understanding of their kink will reflect in how they talk about it and describe it but that doesn’t mean that your lack of knowledge is a reason to not find out for yourself what those words mean to you. Your kink might not be my kink but that doesn’t make mine or yours or anyone else’s more worthy or important.
Being submissive is clearly a strong part of my identity within my relationship with Sir and my desire for edgy play that explores my physical boundaries is strong and thus takes us into areas that other people would not feel comfortable with. Does that mean I have more of a right to use that term when describing myself than anyone else? Absolutely not! It might mean I know more about what it means to me and how it fits into my life, my sexual identity, desires and my relationship but that doesn’t mean I am doing it better than anyone else. It just means I am further on down my journey of discovery or understanding than others and by that standard also way behind some people too. None of us have more of a right to use those labels than anyone else. BDSM, and your place within that vast spectrum, is what you make it. What makes you happy, wet, horny, fulfilled and satisfied is what is important. At the end of the day they are just 4 letters that we have decided to use to help us in our constant quest to communicate as humans. Don’t ever let anyone tell you your kink is not ‘good enough’ or that you are not really kinky, or Dom or Sub because you are not doing it the right way or as often enough or as extreme as them. Don’t define your kink by other people’s standards or pleasures, make them all your own. You are what you are and your BDSM is yours to own and define in any way you damn well please. It is fine to use other people’s experiences, ideas and views to inform your own. We have lots to learn from one another that’s for sure but at the end of the day all that really matters is how it looks and feels for you. My kink is not your kink but that doesn’t make my kink any more or less important than the next persons it simply makes it mine!
From reading some of the comments that have been left I just wanted to add a postscript here.
I am not advocating the use of labels as compulsory AT ALL. All I am trying to say is if you want to adopt a label, don’t let other people’s comments put you off doing so. Likewise if you don’t want to use them then that is also just fine. I am certainly not saying everyone has to be Kinky or D/s or into BDSM what I am saying is, be what YOU want to be and use the labels (or not) you feel comfortable with and likewise accept the labels and meanings that other people attribute to themselves.
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