A 30 Days of Kink post…
What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
I am independent, feisty, strong-willed and used to running my home and family alone. I lived on my own with my kids for a long while. I was the one in charge, the one making the decisions and the one doing the organising. It didn’t necessarily make me happy to be that way but it was how things needed to be at the time. When Sir moved here and we got married suddenly I didn’t need to be like that anymore but it was what I was used to.
In general letting go of the reins so to speak has been a blissful and liberating experience. I have a partner who shares in my life with me. He wants to help, guide, support and nurture me but he is also in charge. Again, bliss for me, because without that I was constantly restless, I over compensated for the lack of control in my life by making sure all my life was ‘under control’ and when it wasn’t…. well that because I was choosing to be wild and often in ways that led me, yet again, to situations that didn’t make me happy or satisfied. I was constantly searching but at the time had no frigging idea what for.
Being sexually submissive is the easy part. I want to be used and abused. I want to be fucked. I want to be held down but even here I am, in general, not the quiet compliant type of sub. I am the feisty challenging type. Yes there are times when I will happily sink to my knees and take his cock in my mouth when told to do so but more often than not I will poke my chin out and flash him a look of utter defiance. To submit I need his strength. I need to know it is not an option. I need to know I cannot wriggle my way out of it. I need him to take, own and use the power but I also need him not to crush me in that process. He needs to know the difference between making me do it and destroying me in the process and luckily he is damn good at that.
The biggest challenge for me has been letting go of all the other stuff. Learning to feel safe and secure when I am not the one making all the day-to-day decisions has at times been tricky. I have lived in this house a very long time and got used to having things the way I like them. I have been the one managing schedules and times and all of sudden I don’t need to be doing that anymore, now we are doing that together. It is a shared life in so many ways but always with the underlying knowledge that at the end of the day he has the control. We talk about the things we want to do and he ALWAYS wants my input and more importantly he hears me but ultimately things are his decision. This has been a massive adjustment on my part and at times one I have struggled with but I am glad of it. I love knowing I am not the sole captain of this ship any more but letting the rudder go altogether is something I still struggle with at times.
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