A 30 Days of Kink post…
Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” ~ Gail Sheehy
I have always said that one of the things that I love about our relationship and in particular the D/s element of it is that it is constantly changing and evolving as we learn and grow together. Our exploration into our kinky selves is exactly that, an exploration. It is not a static state of affairs.
I think one of the things that I hated most about the book 50 Shades of Grey, and trust me when I say I hated quite a bit of it, was the contract. Firstly the contract had been written by Christian prior to ever meeting Anna, which immediately makes it worthless. He might as well have presented her with a standard rent agreement. A D/s relationship between two people (or more) cannot be agreed upon and acted out based on a contract that only one of the parties has had any input into, also for me the whole nature of the contract completely destroyed the fact any relationships between people evolve and change but in my opinion none more so then a consensual adult D/s relationship. The whole thing when you strip everything else away is based on learning, growth, knowledge and development of the people involved. A contract like the one in the book doesn’t foster any of that, it stifles it.
When I look back at the ‘me’ of 3 years ago my relationship with Sir, albeit a purely long distance one at the time, was just beginning to flourish. I was excited, happy, but also nervous. I knew I was submissive and I knew his natural Dom behaviour and qualities made my bloody pump in ways it had never quite done so before but beyond that I really knew fuck all. At the time I completed a BDSM check-list and we spent hours and hours talking about the various aspects of it, as well as many other things but what if we had written a contract based on what we knew or thought we knew then? I am fairly sure the contract would have said something about not making me bleed. It would also have said no cutting or knives to mention just a couple of things. What if we had stuck to that? We would have been limiting ourselves and our learning before we even started.
Of course I am not saying that D/s relationship should not be without their agreements. Hard limits are hard limits for a reason. They need to be discussed, shared and understood but then there are those grey areas. The things that scare you, that make you slowly back away but underneath you can feel a curiosity or even rush of heat. Those are things that also need to be discussed but also they need to be left alone, for you to mull over, consider and confront because only then can you find the answers. Only then can you know if you want to step into the grey areas and shine some light around or if in fact you just want to leave them alone.
A perfect example of this for me at the moment is branding. The thought of it makes me shudder… with fear and yet there is something else too; excitement, curiosity and maybe an even little wetness. Without a shadow of a doubt 3 years ago, in fact probably only a year ago I would have said this was just not for me, in fact even right now I believe it is not for me and yet I would be lying if I said it is was a definite no! The real answer is… I don’t know. I am curious about it, would love to talk to someone who has done it and someone who has one. I need to read more, understand more, think more, talk more before I can answer that question. Actually correction; before WE can answer that question because regardless of what conclusion I come too he also has to be up for it.
Of course there have been areas that he has been determined to challenge, for example my hang-up about my period and sex during my period. The very first time we spent together I, of course, got my period. I was mortified; convinced it would spoil our time together. How wrong I was. Right from that very moment he set about challenging my worries and fears and showed me, and continues to do so, that he finds me sexy and sexually available all the time, even when I am on my period. His attitude has without doubt instigated a huge change within me about how I view my body and my period and I have gone from a woman who hated her period to one who smiles when it arrives. It no longer means abstinence, in fact quite the opposite.
So it would seem that not only have my interests, desires and kinks changed and developed since I first set out on this road but also I have changed. I am certainly calmer, more focused and more relaxed and most of all a great deal happier. Change can be challenging, scary, stressful and full of angst but change induced by learning and exploring the depths of who we are, I have found, is liberating, exciting, positive and most of all satisfying. For me learning and exploring our desires and opposing D/s personalities is all about growth and with growth there is always going to be change.
So much of my life has changed because of kink. I am now married again. I am now happy again. I am certainly braver and stronger. I am more likely to take risks. I am proud of myself and of my work. I am proud of my body, despite my mutterings about it flaws. I post images now that I would never have done so 3 years ago. I am changed and I change and through that I have found freedom.
Ps… Click to see who else is joining in with Wicked Wednesday (The prompt this week is #change)