The Sensible Option

By on September 26, 2012.

I have learnt something about myself in the last couple of days. Sir is away in America for work. I have been dreading this trip for months now but I decided that rather than worry about it I would put it from my mind and deal with when it happened. It can’t be that bad after all it is only 2 weeks and we have spent much longer apart in the past. How wrong was I?

What I have learnt is that over the last 13 months that he has been here I have come to rely on him, I have learnt to love him even more than I did, which I didn’t know was even possible and we have settled into an easy routine. I hope that doesn’t sound boring as nothing about our life together is boring. It is fun, happy, exciting, loving, nurturing, challenging, and sometimes completely insane but I love it. It is not always perfect, like all relationships we have our moments but that is all part of ride and far as I am concerned and even those moments only serve to bring us closer together.

As the days have turned into weeks and the weeks into months the horror of all the time apart in the past has slipped away and I have got used to him being here with me but then all of a sudden on Monday he was gone. Imagine a drug that you are slowly day by day drip fed. You learn to live off it, it makes you feel happy and safe and loved and sexy and intelligent and crazy and passionate and brave and strong and desirable. It is heady stuff indeed and it is all yours, then suddenly someone takes it away and you are expected to carry on as if nothing has happened.

At first you are able to convince your mind that this is all completely OK but then tiredness kicks, everyday pressures build stress, you get your fucking period, the roof in the study starts leaking, the light in the garage stops working, the kids need your attention ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME, the dinner needs cooking, your ex husband is on the phone, your bed is cold and empty and the one thing that you can always turn to for support is gone. You can’t even call him, you have to wait patiently for him to Skype you and it is at that point that no matter how much you tell your mind that this is all fine and you can cope without your drug of choice you are in fact wrong and suddenly it becomes abundantly clear just how addicted and reliant you have become.

Should I have kept a little something back inside me? Maybe if I had I would be able to find it again now that he is temporarily gone but on the other hand I didn’t marry this man in order to live out an everyday humdrum life I married him because he completed me. Because he is the missing part of me, because with him I am happier, braver, nicer, calmer and stronger, because with him I am shiny version of myself and if I had kept something back and not immersed myself in us then quite frankly what would have been the fucking point?

I have always said that just because I am submissive does not mean I am weak and I still stand by that statement. Just admitting that you are submissive is in itself a pretty brave step but it takes a real strength of character to go from acknowledging you’re submissive to actually submitting to someone. You cannot give away something you do not already own and giving away something that makes you so very vulnerable takes strength but in that process you allow yourself to become vulnerable. Living a 24/7 D/s relationship is, by its nature, intense. You build a strong commitment to one another, a deep level of trust and an ability to communicate on a very deep level, or least we have but it would seem that the very thing that most of the time builds me up has on this occasion been my downfall.

Maybe we have both been naive about that, maybe we didn’t plan for this trip very well, maybe I am just being utterly pathetic, maybe hormones are doing their best to fuck me up when I am least able to cope with it, maybe I love him too much (how could this be a bad thing?) maybe I rely on him too much (isn’t that what being married is about?) maybe I am not as strong as I thought or maybe I am just so hopelessly and utterly addicted to my drug that right at this very moment, as I sit here shivering, with puffy eyes, a throbbing headache, a sore throat, an ache in my back that feels like my muscles are performing some sort of spasmodic dance, I am in fact going cold turkey.

Will I do anything differently when he returns? Have I learnt my lesson and realised that I need to not give so much of myself to us and this life we share. Will I take my drug in more measured tones in future?  Well what do you think? Do I look like the type of girl who goes for the sensible option?

White panty reflections in the mirror

Mollyxxx

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Molly Moore - Author, Blogger, Photographer, Speaker
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  1. This is the first thing I read this morning & I am a bit puffy eyed. I know how you are feeling. I don’t think you should question yourself. It’s ok to feel like this, you are a human being. I do hope the next 2 weeks fly by & things become a bit smoother.

    Sending a big hug from PA!

  2. This post deeply moved me. I felt so many of the things that you are saying so keenly that I am in tears as I comment.

    I loved Mac this way and felt loved by him the same. I had never relied so completely on a man before. I believe that kink within our relationship allows a deeper bond, perhaps connection is a better word. There is a price to pay when that bond is separated be it for weeks or as in my case, forever.

    The intense love was worth it, the passion, the care, all of it was worth it. I hope you won’t waste a minute on careful., won’t teach your heart to caution. Instead I hope you will continue to love with the great abandon that you both have. If I had to do it all over again, I would love and need the same. It is quite something to be loved and TO love like that.

    I hope time passes mercifully quick, until your Sir is home. Hugs
    xx Newt

  3. What a beautiful post. I know this feeling very well within my own marriage. Since moving to a region of a country where I don’t speak the language, I have suddenly come to rely on my husband a lot. In a way, too much. I have since learned a good balance of doing things for myself as much as possible and going to him when it’s absolutely necessary.

    I hope the time passes quickly and he is home to you safely.
    Mina Lamieux recently posted..Monday Moanings – NatureMy Profile

  4. I wish I could be there to hold you now, to just comfort you and tell you all will be well. I can only imagine how you feel to be apart. Your relationship sounds so much like ours, but we never had to be apart for the lengths of time that you had to be. I hope the time flies by and that he will be at your side again very soon!

    HUGS!!!

    Rebel xox
    Marie Rebelle recently posted..Challenging performances (3/3)My Profile

  5. All those things he could only bring to the surface because they are in you. You are brave, calm, kind, strong. You’re also missing the man you love.
    So, what’s the alternative? In two week’s time you say “Oh hey honey! You’re back already, I hardly missed you…” Now THAT would be fucked up!
    CuriousMuse recently posted..Patchwork.My Profile

  6. Heartbreaking story, but also life affirming. You have found what (and who) makes your life complete. Few people are so lucky nor have the bravery to reach out to it whereever that may be.

    The lot of the kinky person is not an easy one, we do things which are not necessarily sensible or healthy, but to not do them would make us miserable and unhealthy (as I discovered to my cost). It is a difficult conundrum we all have to deal with at various points I suppose.

    The trick is always to remember that you choose your path and if that path makes you happy and doesn’t put you in (too much) danger, then you are luckier than most and should feel proud of yourself.

    He will be back soon, count the days and good luck!
    Emily recently posted..Wicked BruiseMy Profile

  7. Love isnt sensible though is it and nor are hormones. You two are so lucky to have found each other. I am sure no matter how painful the next two weeks the homecoming will be both joyous and suitably uncomfortable 😉
    x

  8. Sensible, is looking both ways as you cross the road.. it’s for sticking a glove over your hand when plunging it into a hot oven..

    Love shouldn’t be sensible..

    Reading this made me in turn, feel so many things. I think my thoughts would have to be, there are people, that would give so much to even feel the feelings that someone is returning home to them..

    And now, it’s Thursday, if you’ve gotten this far without killing anyone, you CAN DO IT..

    Pea ~x~
    PlumptiousPea recently posted..The Heart Strings of BondageMy Profile

  9. We spent years of our relationship living apart. And they weren’t all consecutive, either. After living apart for two years – with admittedly not as much distance as was between you two – we spent two years living in the same home, and being together every day. We grew even closer emotionally than we had been previously. Then circumstances dictated that we spend another year apart. It was the most difficult year of either of our lives.

    I know that we both wondered if we relied on the other too heavily, but as you say, that’s what marriage is about, or at least what we always thought it was about. Despite our hobbies, social circles, etc., we are so connected that it makes being apart difficult. We can imagine that the nature of your relationship makes the longing even more difficult when he’s not around.
    Jack and Jill recently posted..The Naughty Hangout: Arm ExercisesMy Profile

  10. Reading this and seeing your suffering on twitter I’ve been really conflicted about what I think:

    On the one hand, as a perpetually single girl, I know that anyone can survive (happily) alone, and I feel a little sad that you may have lost something in being so distraught at his absence. I kind of want to shake you and tell you to use this time to do all the things he so delightfully distracts you from.

    On the other hand, I know that time is now taken by all the day-to-day things he would usually help with (like housework, and taking care of the kids). Plus, having never found MY other half, I have no frame of comparison. I mean, I’ve been in love, but for me “distance makes the fond heart wander” – and THANK GOD. So really I just want to hug you and share a bottle of wine and laugh and talk.

    On the other hand, I know that even though he is your other half (in far deeper a sense of the term than is true of most people) you’re own half is pretty whole as well.

    On the other hand, I’m glad you’ve only got three more days now… he’ll be back soon and we’ll get to see you happy and fulfilled again. And I can’t wait for that.

    On the… wait? That’s five hands now. I’ll end with this and hope it makes you giggle:

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
    Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder,
    And abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

    Looking forward to seeing you both, together again, on Friday.

    Much love.

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