Facing my fears
16th November 2011
It has been a bit of a tricky week so far, and it is only Wednesday. Monday morning we woke up to the news that there had been a death in Sir’s family back in the States and after much anxious waiting and trying to get in touch with people a flight was booked and suddenly I am faced with probably my biggest fear. He is leaving. I never expected this; I thought the first time he went back it would be planned, I would be ready for it and really and truly I hoped that I would go with him but of course that can’t happen. I have to stay here.
I am trying very hard to hang onto the fact that he will be gone for a little over a week but right now a week feels like a very long time. You see the problem with this is all the odd fears and horrors at being apart have come flooding back into my mind. Just writing that sentence made me gasp for breath as I could feel the anxiety tighten through my chest.
I feel utterly and totally selfish; it is not like he is jetting off for a lovely holiday is it? That doesn’t help either. I don’t care where or why he is going I want to go too. I am so fed up of being the one who gets left behind to ‘hold the fort’. Again, this is not about Sir but about past relationship ghosts rearing their ugly head.
It wasn’t meant to be this way. He just got his leave to remain visa in the UK last week. Finally we were settled, married, happy, together and no one could make him go back, or so I thought. Yet here I am, faced with a good-bye that makes me want to crawl into the nearest duvet cave and hide.
I also feel pathetic. I keep trying to verbally whip myself into shape. For fuck sake woman, it is only a week, he doesn’t want to go, etc etc but then when I think what it is going to be like all I can see is Skype, time zones, no text messages, crossing my fingers that the internet doesn’t go down because if it does then my ability to reach him is gone, an empty and cold bed, waking on my own, coping, existing. That’s it you know, when we are apart I don’t live, I don’t grow or develop or trust or relax all I do when he is not here is exist and I am fed up of existing. There was meant to be no more existing and there was meant to be no more going away and yet life or should I say death has changed all that.
I wish I could close my eyes and open them again and it was next Friday, then I can step forward into the day and live again. I wish this wasn’t happening and I wish I wasn’t going to be on my own, again. But it is only for a week, right?
On My Own
Mollyxxx
Ps.. Sorry this is not very wanton or wanky for that matter, it is the sad and pathetic ramblings of a woman who is totally and utterly addicted to the man who owns her and in case you are wondering no I don’t feel good about writing this post or proud of it. It is just words that had to come out. Forgive me
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Tags: long distance relationships, seperation, VISA for the UK, wanton wednesday
27 comments:
Oh sweety *hugs* Don’t worry about getting it all out. I’m a firm believer in letting feelings like those out, bottling pain up is never a good idea. I hope the week and a bit goes very quickly!
Xxx
You don’t have to ask for forgiveness luv. I totally understand your feelings and totally understand that you just had to write this! I think many others will understand too.
Be strong and we will hold your hand until he is back again.
Hugs
~Rebel~
xxx
@DomSigns, I offer my condolences.
@Molly, I offer my (totally inadequate) hugs.
I hope the time passes as swiftly and as painlessly as possible for you both.
xxx
To Molly’s Sir I offer my deepest condolences… {{{hugs}}}
To Molly, fear not! you are in a loving community of bloggers and we absolutely understand your headspace at the moment. This, too, will pass… but know that we’ve always got your back, love {{{ginormoushugs}}}
~Kazi xxx
I just think you’re terribly brave for admitting these things. Because it is how everyone feels and few will admit to.
But, you know, I met him. And I saw the way he looked at you.
So, you can be worried and frightened. But I’m not. He’ll be back very soon and will have missed you with all his heart.
Sweetie, you have my total sympathy. Being away from people you love is hard. When you’re used to having that person with you every day it’s even harder.
As you say though it’s only a week and he’ll be back with you. In the meantime why not try and plan to take advantage of the situation. Plan to watch a movie he’d never watch with you, or do something you enjoy doing by yourself or with a friend. Give yourself things to focus on other than his return. If only so you can share those experiences with him when he returns.
*hugs* to you both.
Faile xx
All i can say is…..*hugs* i hope the time flies by!
~~morgaine
There is nothing to forgive!!!! *hugs you*
oh molly, i’m sorry you are suffering — i hope time will pass quickly and the internet signal will be strong.
domsigns, my condolences on your loss. we are all here for you both in the only ways we can be.
love to you both.
xxx
My thoughts and prays are for both of you! Sorry to hear of the loss, never is an easy thing to have to deal with.
That’s rough- sorry for the loss.
Long-distance isn’t easy, god knows. Hang onto the knowing that he’ll be back, you’re not being abandoned, and cherish the opportunities to use skype or what you can, and I hope that you find it’s more than existing because you know he’s coming back to you.
I like your honesty Molly, no need to apologize. It’s one of the reasons I love your blog and you!
To DomSigns, my condolences for your loss.
*hugs* to both of you
Can i just say that it is neither sad nor pathetic. What is there to forgive? that you love someone enough to feel completely lost without them there? there is nowt to forgive. You’re giving yourself a hard time when there is no need. If you think logically then he wouldn’t have married you or gone through the hassle of getting the visa if he didn’t feel the same. So instead of dreading his departure revel in the fact that you can starfish the bed for a week
Steve
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{{{{hugs}}}} This will be my first week alone without my Sir. Even though we’ve been married nearly 18 years & done this before it will still be my first time without the new persona he has become to me. Not sure how I will handle it. I know it’s only Internet but maybe we can keep each other company?
Sorry to hear for the loss, but he will be back. You will have to be strong for him when he returns as he may be very upset and sad. YOu will have to do your best to cheer him up. x x
Molly – Best wishes and our sympathies to you both. “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” is a gem of a book to help with the unfairness of life.
Sweet photo, by the way, you are a doll .. a sexy doll. Wish the image were sharper.
Dearest Molly…you know I completely understand your conflicted feelings. He will be home soon…hold on to that. ~GIGANTIC HUGS~
A week can feel longer than a year in some ways, because you know that it should feel quicker than it does. *hugs* I hope it passes quickly for you and that everything is okay.
Yes I think you are very right…. it is only a week, they usually flash by, but I have a horrible feeling this one might just drag a bit.
Mollyxxx
Molls.
(hugs) you tight
and offers a shoulder
and a bottomless box of tissues
and a movie date online with me
and the Scouser can come too, if you want
now take a deep breath
and remember that we love you
and my heart hurts for you and yours
Thanks Zena…. It is just all too soon for me. He is gone now so I just have to wait and he will be back.
Mollyxxx
What you wrote is very brave and quite beautiful. Opening yourself up like that isn’t easy and I so admire you for that. <3
P.S. I can see your boob so it's still very wanky.
Thank you Huff, I will do my best to make him proud. Glad the boobage had some sort of effect.
Mollyxxx
I can understand how you are feeling Molly… At least you havve a retun date and an end to the waiting in sight! *hugs*
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Molly, I am sorry for Sir and his loss, but so proud of you. This is honest, and very brave of you to share the not-so-pretty fears that grip your heart. Though the fear “doesn’t make sense”, it definitely makes sense that the fear is there. It is beyond reason. It is your worst nightmare. But only if he doesn’t come back. And he will, happy to be with you, his chosen, once again. I am thinking of you this week, my friend. Hoping you will take this time to write and share even more of yourself with us. Now THAT’S selfish.
Keep busy, do things that’ll keep your mind busy, and be mindful of Him. That always helped me.
Hugs, my deepest sympathy.
~c