28th February 2011
Do you sometimes think life has gone a little out of focus? Everything around you seems to be a little bit hazy or out of reach and your mind is a muddled mess of all the things you know you should be doing but somehow you never quite get round to any of them. The to-do list stays pretty much the same and even when you do cross something off of it, you add 3 more items on the bottom in its place.
That is most definitely how last week ended for me, in a hazy, out of focus mess, of tears, sadness, longing and frustration. Most days I cope with the feelings I have about missing him and yearning for our life together to start, but every now and then (ok, on an all to regular basis) those feelings bubble up within me and cloud my judgement, my ability to cope with our separation and so my focus slips. Instead of looking further into the future, working towards our goal and knowing that our time will soon come, all I can think about is the here and now.
The need for His arms around me, the overwhelming desire to spend just a few moments in a room with Him turn me into a wreck. I crave Him and I crave the way I feel when he is near me. When we are together I feel completed, I feel truly alive, I feel calm, and yes you guessed it, focused.
I know when I lose my focus and turn into the desperate broken wreck of a woman it is agony for Him to watch. He blames Himself, when it is not His fault. The blame belongs with a system that is painfully slow and with my impatience to be with Him and with love. A love that feeds my soul, a love that burns brightly within me but a love that sometimes drives me to lose my focus and when that happens my need for Him takes over and I can’t think about the future, all I can think about is the next few minutes or hours without Him and how unbearable they seem to me.
I know it’s no longer January, oh believe me I know this only too well, in fact tomorrow will be March and if you read back to the post I made at the beginning of February, you will see that I was hopeful that February would bring us some answers. The answer to that is, not really, maybe half an answer but nothing conclusive and so the waiting goes on and all I can do is try really, really hard to keep my focus.