18th November 2010
In just under 24 hours he will be boarding his flight to the UK. I seem to be on a roller coaster of emotions today, one moment I am bouncy and excited, the next I distracted by the thoughts of everything I want to do to be ready in time for his arrival and then there is still some weird little niggling fear. Maybe it’s because I have waited so long, I cope by trying to not focus on the things I absolutely crave too much, otherwise if something goes wrong and it doesn’t happen then I find the disappointment can be very hard for me to cope with. I think this way of coping means that even now, even when its only a few hours away, I can’t really believe that he is actually going to be here.
I know it’s going to happen, I know what time I need to leave for the airport, I know that I will probably end up leaving earlier than I need to, my worries of traffic jams or flat tyres meaning that I shall probably spending far longer at Heathrow airport than is necessary. I know what I am going to wear, I have realised that a minimal amount of makeup is a good plan, just in case I cry. Smeared teary make up is not a look that I wish to greet him with. I know the terminal I need to be at, I know what the arrivals hall looks like, I know there are 2 possible exits that he can emerge out of, I shall be watching both, eyes flicking back and forth from one to the other.
I know all this, where I need to be, when I need to be there and what to wear but knowing is not my problem, my problem is belief in the fact that it is really, finally going to happen. I sit here writing this, the house is quiet around me, glancing up I try to image him here, in my house, standing in this very room with me. I know he’s coming, I know it’s going to happen but I can’t quite believe it, I can’t image what it is going to feel like to finally be back together and to actually have Him here and for me to show Him my life this time.
For a moment I close my eyes, I know he is on the train on His way home and I know that tomorrow he will be on his flight to me. I know that he is excited and happy that we are now just counting down the hours. I know he has yet to pack anything and I know his last minute packing style is starting to drive me bonkers. I know that it will be OK, I know he will get it done, I know that he is coming but I don’t think I will really and truly believe it until he is standing in front of me at Heathrow airport, pulling me into his arms and kissing me. Only then do I think I will really and truly believe that the waiting is over.